September 2015

Part 13 in a series about the time between my diagnosis and the start of this blog. Notes from my “Loose-screw-logbook”, the predecessor of my blog.

  • Crazy (literally) how much has happened in the past year!
  • Inspired by people who share their experiences in blogs or on video platforms I start my own blog about my loose screw. Am very nervous to share all this but happy about the place it has now
  • Talk to family members about past and see that boundary crossings have larger dimensions and concern more people than I thought

These entries aren’t very insightful as most of them already overlap with the first blog posts. Hence why this is the last part of my “Year before the blog”-series  – you can find everything else in older posts 🙂

Rock on!


August 2015

Part 12 in a series about the time between my diagnosis and the start of this blog. Notes from my “Loose-screw-logbook”, the predecessor of my blog.

  • Problems with authorities resolved, passed Cambridge Certificate exam, planning next holiday – lots of achievements!
  • Nevertheless phases where I feel lost and scared
  • Due to arguments of relatives I am able to see things differently, talk about them, feel angry,…feel that I’m going to change something but am not quite there yet.
  • All in all feel like everything’s going in the right direction even though I have intense panic attacks, etc.
  • Always wondering if it actually makes sense to keep myself from cutting when all, really all my thoughts are about it. Can’t a small cut be a fine compromise when I’m able to concentrate better for weeks afterwards?

The usual up and down…

July 2015

Part 11 in a series about the time between my diagnosis and the start of this blog. Notes from my “Loose-screw-logbook”, the predecessor of my blog.

  • Living with my partner feels so great, i habe a beautiful room, we have plants and cook every day – a real home!
  • Problems with some authorities (massive trigger!) – panic attacks, feel small and want to cut but decide not to let that happen as I have the strength to fight it right now!

This fighting spirit show just how much better I started feeling then – for the first time I could believe that it was possible for me to be happy.

June 2015

Part 10 in a series about the time between my diagnosis and the start of this blog. Notes from my “Loose-screw-logbook”, the predecessor of my blog.

  • The annual summer-high makes me feel good 🙂
    Moving in with my partner runs smoothly!
  • A little nervous about summer holidays (high season at work)
  • Getting along well wih my inner child

All in all a good month 🙂

May 2015

Part 9 in a series about the time between my diagnosis and the start of this blog. Notes from my “Loose-screw-logbook”, the predecessor of my blog.

  • Am worried about a family member’s funeral – unfortunately not only because of things that make all funerals horrible but also because people from different “worlds” will be there and I won’t know what to do.
  • Great statement about self-harm from a favourite person: “That’s like me getting sloshed from time to time.” 😀
  • Can see my illness as a quirk and get better at accepting help
  • Keep eyes open as professional help might still be a good idea (maybe art therapy or something similar?)
  • Startet exercise book for the inner child, very interesting
  • No matter what I’m working on, my anger get ins the way, I’m scared of it, lock it in, don’t know what to do with it

As an explanation for the first topic: With different “worlds” I meant the fact that even as a child I constructed a thousand versions of myself (keyword Ego States) and somehow lost track of them. That’s why I find it difficult when people from different “worlds” meet, esepcially relatives.
Apart from that I was quite positive at that time 🙂

April 2015

Part 8 in a series about the time between my diagnosis and the start of this blog. Notes from my “Loose-screw-logbook”, the predecessor of my blog.

  • Partner gone for a week and stupid April’s fool tricks at work trigger flashbacks and make me feel completely humiliated. Can’t talk about it because I don’t want to be a spoilsport, for the first time in my life I want to cut in a visible spot and I feel terribly stupid because of that
  • I love my new job!
  • Rage, hurt my partner whilst lashing out verbally, afterwards huge fear of losing him. Self-harm, fight, but we can solve it
  • After physical sickness completely strung out and whiny

From this time I mostly remember how happy I was with my new position at work although these notes don’t sound that cheerful…

March 2015

Part 7 in a series about the time between my diagnosis and the start of this blog. Notes from my “Loose-screw-logbook”, the predecessor of my blog.

  • Yay, new position at work! My own desk and many interesting tasks, no field service any more!
  • Stop seeing my therapist due to lack of progress after loss of confidence. Financially I could only see her twice a month anyway which she says is too seldom and she wants to give (my authorized) public health therapy place to someone else.
  • Notice that everyone seems to think I’m easier to deal with when I’m unwell. Have to get into my head that I’m also loveable when I’m happy and cheerful!
  • Think much about incidents in the past where I was left unexpectedly.

I know now that the new position at work was the very best thing that could have happened to me at the time :). To this day I’m really happy in my job and back then I was so glad that the end of my therapy was only a small thing to worry about. Under the circumstances I don’t think I would have made any more progress anyway.

February 2015

Part 6 in a series about the time between my diagnosis and the start of this blog. Notes from my “Loose-screw-logbook”, the predecessor of my blog.

  • Topics in therapy: Self-love, allowing grief/anger about incidents in the past to come up, reducing stress, calming down, stopping thoughts deliberately is not the same as suppressing them, weird dreams. According to therapist all the mean things of which I fear others might think them about me are my own thoughts about myself. She says I have to relativize what I view as failure.
  • After a week full of work and renovation of bathroom I break down. Am completely confused, cry and can’t stop, have to hand over all knives etc. to my partner. Feel very ashamed although partner and therapist think this step was a success.
  • Weekend in thermal spa with partner wonderful
  • Therapist tells me she can’t promise our usual appointments any longer and that she would like me to pay for therapy myself as she gets less from insurance than from paying clients (!). According to her she is more flexible with appointments when I’m not a health service patient.

Before questions come up: Yes, my therapist actually said that. I’m aware that many of you will think I devaluated her somewhere in my borderline-head and got that wrong but I inquired a few times if she actually wants me to give up my health-service paid therapy place (that was authorized for another six months) in order to get her to give me appointments that were compatible with my working times. She did. A difficult situation, not to mention the loss of confidence. About the breakdown mentioned above I can say that it showed me just how fragile my balance is if I have one and that I always have to be careful not to trip.

January 2015

Part 5 in a series about the time between my diagnosis and the start of this blog. Notes from my “Loose-screw-logbook”, the predecessor of my blog.

  • Feel pleasantly calm although nervous when thinking about new start at work
  • Made weekly schedule in order to get enough recovery periods
  • Learned how to crochet and listened to some audio books, with these activities being on my own works better now
  • More useful conversations with family members
  • Can hardly think about certain things in my past without freaking out
  • Get more and more used to panic attacks, they are shorter than they used to be, afterwards I’m strangely peaceful
  • Jan. 13th: Able to work again
  • Topics in therapy: Self-worth, inner child, coping with being alone/in company, abuse and sickness of the relative

In hindsight I doubt that it was actually wise to work again at this point but at least it gave me back some “normality” and structure.

December 2014

Part 4 in a series about the time between my diagnosis and the start of this blog. Notes from my “Loose-screw-logbook”, the predecessor of my blog.

  • Too vulnerable – decide to take sick leave for a month. Doctor says something like “Pull yourself together!” but still agrees. Huge support from my boss
  • Topics in therapy: Why am I more strict with myself than with others? Am I not a little sorry for the child I was? Why do I protect others from things that happened to me? Am told to try autogenic training.
  • Have to find strategies in order to get back to work!!!
  • Beautiful days with and lots of support from my favourite people
  • No suicidal thoughts at the moment
  • Therapist urges me to “finally” talk to my relative about inicidents she calls abuse and doesn’t understand when I tell her I’m not yet ready
  • Plan to talk to some people about all this in the christmas holidays
  • Have to learn that gratefulness doesn’t necessarily mean you have to love someone
  • Have to see the medical officer due to long sick leave but he is very nice and understanding
  • Therapist tells me to reflect less as I prevent myself from feeling anything that way
  • Talk to some family members/relatives on christmas – some conversations great, some satisfactory
  • Autogenic training is great – am very relaxed during and very awake after it
  • Try to let out anger on a punching bag for the first time – Very difficult for me

Concerning this time I have to rely on my notes completely. I hardly remember anything and have no idea what I did that whole month. Shopping for groceries was a challenge for a whole afternoon so I probably really didn’t do that much at all…

November 2014

Part 3 in a series about the time between my diagnosis and the start of this blog. Notes from my “Loose-screw-logbook”, the predecessor of my blog.

  • Work only 3 days/week now
  • Much love for my birthday, from favourite people but also from unexpected ones
  • Topics in therapy: Lightheartedness, being less strict with myself, I talk about incidents with a realtive and can’t believe how clearly my therapist calls this abuse and how she tells me I’ll be a victim for as long as I cut!
  • Meds: Only a quarte tablet/day. My birthday is the first day without any
  • A weekend alone, life-changing news and a nightmare of my relative are too much for me – I cut for the first time in ages. I don’t feel anything. Red tears.
  • Meds are gone
  • Terrible week: A couple of family parties, panic attacks, cigarettes and alocohol, crying fit at work, landlord comes into my flat with wife and 3 (!) little children who throw my books around, renovation of my kitchen, I am all run down!
  • Am told that I can move in with my partner in 2015 and can hardly beliebe it
  • Therapy: No progress concerning anger. Dissociate, am scared, have nightmares. Therapist says I should only contact people who are good for me at the moment.
  • Contact a BPD-study in Germany, possible participation in 2015

This time was one of the lowest lows in my life, to this day I can’t say much more about it.

October 2014

Part 2 in a series about the time between my diagnosis and the start of this blog. Notes from my “Loose-screw-logbook”, the predecessor of my blog.

  • Extremely tired in the evenings but less thoughts of suicide. Decide to reduce working hours by November. This means that I’ll also lose my position as team leader.
  • Dose of Escitalopram increased to 10mg/day
  • Topics in therapy: Fear of abandonment, devaluation, skills, black-and-white-thinking, inhibition when it comes to letting anger out, talking about what’s hurting me, possibility of a pet
  • Appointment with second doctor OK, insurance pays for therapy
  • Increased dose of meds doesn’t work for me: Feel “remote-controlled”, sedated, have nightmares which I confuse with real events, feel completely confused. Decide to reduce meds again and then slowly stop taking them. Want to try it “just” with therapy
  • Dizziness due to reduction of meds (despite step-by-step reduction) but at least I feel like myself again

I know that the support I felt from my therapist was like a light in all the darkness for me at that time. It was a feeling of just going on somehow without knowing where I wanted to go. The only thing that was clear was that I couldn’t continue the way everything had been before…

September 2014

Part 1 in a series about the time between my diagnosis and the start of this blog. Notes from my “Loose-screw-logbook”, the predecessor of my blog.

  • Panic attacks, urge to cut, emptiness, thoughts of suicide, desparation, rage, fear
  • Advice center, appointment with psychiatrist. Meds: Escitalopram, 5mg/day. I don’t take the sleeping pills and sedatives the doctor offers me. Suspected diagnoses: Depression, Panic disorder, BPD.
  • Holiday. No effect of the meds.
  • Huge fear of work. Feel down especially in the mornings. Effect of meds in the afternoon???
  • Therapy place found! Suspected diagnoses confirmed. Planned time for therapy: 3 years!!! Appointment with another therapist necessary for insurance reasons.
  • Lots of support from my partner.
  • BPD suddenly makes sense. Read much about the disorder and in spite of initial denial it sounds plausible. Have known many symptoms for years/always: fear of abandonment/being crushed, idealisation/devaluation, EMPTINESS, self-harm, frequent change of jobs, sudden ends of realtionships, derealization, not feeling myself, watching/manipulating people, anxiety, functioning, being inflexible when there already was a plan, not copinh with change between being alone/in company, fixation on one person,…

All in all one could say everything went really quickly back then. I realized that in spite of all the years I had spent fighting on my own I finally had to get help. It felt as if I went to the doctor as a “normal” person who sometimes panicked and got back out as a borderline who was offered benzos. I though “No, not me!”. After a few weeks I realized just how well the diagnosis fit about every problem I had ever encountered as if all the pieces of the puzzle had fallen into place. That was the huge realization of that month. The fact that I found a therapy place so quickly was sheer luck if you believe in such a thing. Nevertheless it had probably been about time.

Happy Birthday!

I can hardly believe it but today my blog is one year old! In this year it became so much more for me than I’d ever expected. When I first sat down with the idea that a blog could be the kind of writing I like I wasn’t even sure if I had enough to say for such a project. And when someone read one of my posts for the first time I thought that would remain an isolated incident for a long time…another thing I was wrong about as my blog (German and English counted together) now has:

  • 3337 visitors from 28 countries
  • 150 posts

And I just want to thank everyone who read something here. You encourage me so much more than I could ever have expected (after all I still don’t view myself as an internet-person). I’ve learned so much from this experience, from other blogs, from the simple fact that I have a space here for all the things I find hard in realf life…it’s really wonderful!

I want to start the second year of this blog by looking back at the year before I started blogging. When I realized that I needed help I started to write important incidents into a kind of “loose-screw-journal”. This journal could be viewed as the predecessor of my blog and I thought that it’s quite a pity that has been in my drawer since September 2015, completely unnoticed. The journal starts in September 2014 and when I see how far I’ve come in these past two years I am truly amazed. Now I want share this journey – each of the following day will be about one of the months between my diagnosis and the start of this blog (you can see these posts in the category “The year before the blog”).

I am curious as to what the next year might bring and hope that most of those who read here continue to do so and that some new people may find their way here. Once again THANKS to everyone who encourages me and all the best for you!