3 minus 2?

In 2014 I got the following diagnoses: Depression, Panic Disorder, BPD. That’s also what I say on the start page here (I’ve been thinking about editing this and all the explanations I thought so important in the beginning for such a long time but somehow I can never find the motivation because I just prefer writing something new…it’s a good thing that this is not a business :D).
Anyway, I couldn’t really relate to the depression thing back then. I mean yes, I was in a crisis, yes, I showed many typical signs of depression and yes, it somehow did make sense. But basically what I felt was also covered by the BPD-term “emptiness”. The mood swings, the fear, the thoughts of suicide, the stress at work were so present at the time that I was simply extremely exhausted as well. To this day I’m not perfectly sure that it actually was a grown depression like I certainly had it when I was 14, 15 years old. For many months now I definitely haven’t been depressed (anymore). The difficulties I face are a different matter but it’s not depression.
And then, of course, there were the panic attacks. In 2014 they were massive and dictated my whole life – 2 to 3 half-hour attacks each day were completely normal. At work, in the supermarket, during the sound of the alarm in the morning. No wonder I was strung out. First I got used to it, then I learned dealing with it and with time I started thinking of my own needs and reducing many triggers (contact with too many people for instance). By now I get pangs of panic attacks so rarely that it doesn’t even count. It could even just be high tension which leads to BPD again.
Of the three old diagnoses it is the only one I still think is accurate. And it is the one that will probably stay because even if I don’t still meet 8 out of 9 criteria but just 7 I’m still there. They say personality disorders cannot be healed, one can only learn to live with them. By now I know that much can change and the symptoms are not as strong anymore (a sign of aging ;)?) but even if I managed not to self-harm for a year I wouldn’t say the symptom was gone if the thoughts were still in my head every day. The fact that I use skills successfully in order to not dissociate several times a day it doesn’t mean that nothing can trigger dissociation at any given time. And even though the things that happen in my head might look like some prominent character traits from the outside I often know pretty well where my personality ends…and the disorder begins. So I agree when people say that symptoms can recede to a point where one doesn’t meet all criteria anymore but I also think that a lot will stay which can return at any time.
But what this is about is: Two out of three diagnoses are not accurate (anymore) in my opinion and the third one is on a level with which I can imagine living for a long time and then dying a natural death. And that, my friends, is more than I ever dreamed of – and I thank you for the part you had in it with your comments, thoughts and advice 🙂


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