“Do you think that’s ever going to change?”

She’s looking tired, the colleague who’s sitting in front of me. Usually she’s one of these people who always seem to be cheerful. A person who goes to every party and who is very successful at work. Not exactly what people imagine when they think about depression. But now, that seems to be exactly what this is about. Because the doctors can’t find any other reason for the constant tiredness. Because she’s always brooding and feeling like she’s unable to achieve anything. Because her friends say she ought to get her shit together when that’s exactly what she’s been trying to do for years.
And now she’s heard that I have this awesome therapist. That I, just like her, have tried medication and then stopped taking it. That I am also one of those where everything seems to be okay at first and maybe even at second glance.
That’s why we’re talking now. About looking for a therapy place, about anitdepressants, about light and yoga and the effort that is needed to tackle such issues. The things I say are small ones, sentences like “It’s okay not to get everything done in a single day!” or “If you didn’t feel comfortable with this therapist you don’t have to go there again!” – but still I feel like I’m finding the right words. She thanks me and says it helps; not just the phone numbers and points of contact but talking to someone who understands what she means by evil thoughts. And suddenly she asks this question everyone who’s opening this Pandora’s box for the first time is probably asking: “I feel like it’s getting worse the more I’m becoming aware of these things. And now I wonder if I’ll ever be able to live a normal life again. Do you think that’s ever going to change?”
And for the very first time I can say, with a conviction that only comes with an experience you’ve made: “Yes. It’s going to be different. Perhaps not perfect, certainly not as if nothing ever happened. But it’s not going to stay the way it is now!”


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