Yes, in your system that might be called egoism. In another, it might be called health…”
We continued talking about the weird feeling I had prior to the last self-harm incident: As if I was a ghost, as if I was completely alone in the world and nobody could see me. As if I was paralyzed and couldn’t go to the telephone in order to call someone. As if I had just made up all the lovely people who like me. As if I couldn’t sleep out of fear I would just dissolve.
My therapist reckoned that this was an old feeling confusing me and she was right. Back then I didn’t notice it but when she asked me I could quickly recall several situations from my childhood where I’d felt that way. There were things that I experienced, noticed, saw, of which it was believed that I didn’t notice them…or expected that I didn’t talk about them. A huge silence, one could say, that confused me and made me doubt the realness of many things. With the oldest of those memories, we did quite a long exercise where I was supposed to step in and change something as a healthy adult…at some point my therapist gave up and assumed that role herself as I didn’t even theroretically have an idea what could be done (could have been done?). With her it sounded quite simple in the end…and we will have to do a lot of work on this issue in the future.
At least, when this feeling comes back again, I know that it is not real now and today – I think that will help me a lot. At the end of the session she asked how I felt. I answered that all this felt really good…but also kind of selfish. And then she said the sentence above – I had to find a special place for it, and now I have to think about it 😀
Wish you all a nice weekend!