Therapy: Session #34

We talked about last session’s after-effect – which has mostly been anger: On one side, anger with myself because I can’t manage everything and be there for everyone the way I’d like to (notorious) but also anger with others who haven’t been there for me the way I would have needed (very, very new and unfamiliar).
Then we went through some situations from my past – from little Nina’s view and the perspective of a healthy adult in order to find out what I would have needed back then. It is not important to describe these situations in detail, the only thing that’s important is that they were cases where various grown-ups haven’t performed their tasks as the healthy adult my therapist likes to address would. I was not protected, not being taken seriously or simply not being seen. What I liked about the exercise was that the goal was neither feeling self-pity nor blaming the adults from my past. It was just about allowing emotions I’ve had to exist: Frustration, powerlessness, anger, incomprehension and a “I have to endure this!” and then finding out what I can do as a healthy grown up when these emotions dock on in the future. In the situations I imagined this guardian as a big brother – because that was what I longed for back then: Somebody who is older and stronger and can look out for me without being as patronizing as a parent or a teacher. The fact that I felt really sorry for this guardian during the exercise says a lot about the quite huge things I would have needed support with. In so many situations I was unable to learn that the things that had been done to me were not okay so I assumed that there must be something wrong about me. But when I look back at the child or budding teen I used to be I know today that I was quite a cool kid. Really. And that’s exactly what I’ll write into a letter to my past self which will probably end up too personal for the blog. Over and out for today.


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