Therapy: Session #34

We talked about last session’s after-effect – which has mostly been anger: On one side, anger with myself because I can’t manage everything and be there for everyone the way I’d like to (notorious) but also anger with others who haven’t been there for me the way I would have needed (very, very new and unfamiliar).
Then we went through some situations from my past – from little Nina’s view and the perspective of a healthy adult in order to find out what I would have needed back then. It is not important to describe these situations in detail, the only thing that’s important is that they were cases where various grown-ups haven’t performed their tasks as the healthy adult my therapist likes to address would. I was not protected, not being taken seriously or simply not being seen. What I liked about the exercise was that the goal was neither feeling self-pity nor blaming the adults from my past. It was just about allowing emotions I’ve had to exist: Frustration, powerlessness, anger, incomprehension and a “I have to endure this!” and then finding out what I can do as a healthy grown up when these emotions dock on in the future. In the situations I imagined this guardian as a big brother – because that was what I longed for back then: Somebody who is older and stronger and can look out for me without being as patronizing as a parent or a teacher. The fact that I felt really sorry for this guardian during the exercise says a lot about the quite huge things I would have needed support with. In so many situations I was unable to learn that the things that had been done to me were not okay so I assumed that there must be something wrong about me. But when I look back at the child or budding teen I used to be I know today that I was quite a cool kid. Really. And that’s exactly what I’ll write into a letter to my past self which will probably end up too personal for the blog. Over and out for today.

Advertisements

Write comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s