My therapist is moving. Within the few seconds it took her to explain that her new office will be even closer to my flat then the old one I went through the whole scenario of “SHE IS LEAVING ME!!!” – stupid head. Whatever, everything’s just fine :D.
The slight scepticism this left behind might be the reason for another weird feeling. It seems to me that my therapist is actively avoiding “big” issues that would take several sessions at the moment. The only reason I can find for this is that the extension request has not yet been authorized. She always assures me that it won’t be a problem but of course I don’t just believe that. The fact that we’re only talking a little bit about this and a little bit about that and my feeling of being stuck enhance my impression of “She also isn’t sure if the request will be authorized, that’s why she doesn’t want to get into anything bigger…”
Apart from that the session was quite okay. My therapist is still trying to understand where my “drifting off” is coming from, which purpose it used to serve and if it still has a purpose now, also why emptiness is so hard to handle for me and what dissociation feels like for me. As it’s so important for me to be able to influence these things she proposed some mindfulness exercises. They always seem quite banal to me in the beginning but I can see how they increase my quality of life when I use them everyday – to consciously perceive colours, smells or textures throughout the day and also give names to those things keeps me in reality pretty well. When I’m already completely “gone” I need stronger stimuli but when I manage to do the exercises regularly I don’t drift off as easily in the first place. As so often the case, preventing something from happening is much easier than acting when it already happened.
When we talked about relaxing we also mentioned meditation. I always thought it was great of me to be able to just sit and think nothing for long periods of time, as if I had a gift for buddhism…if only it wasn’t for the fact that this is not actually an achievement when you’re not really there anyway. So my therapist prescribed the oppsite of the usual “don’t think of anything-meditation”, that is: focussing on the outside and consciously perceiving sensory impressions. It’s nearly a little embarassing how hard this task is for me and it makes me realize just how often I simply “zone out” in everyday life, as if a vital strategy has turned into a bad habit at some point…