Damn stupid idea

Sometimes I wonder just how dumb a person (in this case I) can actually be. I really have a lot of practice at dealing with my disorder, I have skills I can use, I have a supporting environment…and yet I make total beginner’s mistakes. Today was a good day. Actually very good but also very emotional. And emotional always means that I’m a little more vulnerable than usually. Furthermore I am on my own – which can be nice but also is a factor that means I have to be extra careful. So one could assume that I’d think of going into self-care-mode, treat myself cautiously and take things slowly in the evening. Instead I think I have to get things done that I don’t have any energy for, listen to songs that are never good for me and submit search requests that show me pictures that would trigger me on the best days. Why do I do that? Automatic self-destruct-mode. Of course I only notice that when my thoughts are pretty much out of control. The only intelligent idea that keeps me from getting down to some self-harming business is “But I want to enjoy the sauna the day after tomorrow!”. So a skills chain is necessary after all. Once, twice, three times I’m through with it by now. And now I need distraction so I write and afterwards I’ll watch some sitcoms. What annoys me isn’t the fact that I nearly couldn’t withstand but that I drove myself to that point. I know my triggers. Why am I still so dumb and deliberately go looking for them? Why does my borderline brain still think I have to make things even harder than they already are? Why isn’t there just a little angel that’s holding skills unser my nose but also a little devil that tells me that being healthy would be really boring?

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