Once again, I’m amazed how many things can be talked about within one single hour. We started the session by speaking about the fact that I’ve been so much better since last week and how I wish I could do on my own what my therapist is able to do with me.
I can’t quite remember how it happened but we moved on the the topic of anger. My therapist seems to have a hard time understanding how anger affects me and how I (can’t) deal with it. So we tried to find situations in which I get unreasonably angry. There are situations where it’s okay for me to get angry – for example if something unfair has happened. But then there are these situations where I feel a burning rage due to…nothing. Due to a clove of garlic I can’t peel properly. Or due to a key I can’t find immediately. When I feel this kind of rage I think that it’s highly inappropriate to throw a tantrum so I tell myself that it’s really not a big deal. But the rage I feel can be so intense that I can’t think clearly anymore. Unfortunately the only way I could allow myself to let it out is a way of self-harm: For example I picture myself stabbing my hand with the knife I’m using to peel the garlic. Or I feel the urge to hit the wall beside the door I’m trying to open…but only in order to harm my hand.
My therapist noticed that many of these situations seem to be about impatience and she was right about that. I only feel this kind of rage when I’m well by the way. When I’m down, depressed or dissociated, the rage doesn’t come. So we talked about the kind of “well” I meant. Because it’s not a relaxed “well” but rather a kind of overexcitement. I remember feeling like that a lot as a child – especially when there were visitors. I would talk and talk and have red cheeks and laugh and ask questions until all the grown-ups were annoyed. It can still happen. Most times when I have a longer conversation either of two things happens:
One – I start feeling hyper like I used to as a child. It’s such a great feeling of excitement. Until something interrupts me – than the rage comes. And after a meeting where I get this excited I always doubt myself: Have I talked to much? Did I annoy the other people? Did I laugh too loudly?
Two – I start feeling overwhelmed and dissociate. This mostly happens in restaurants or other surroundings where there’s too much stimulation.
My therapist asked why I can’t bear being interrupted when I’m in my happy place and why I always have to finish things immediately. I reckon it is due to the fact that I used to live with my mom for one week and with my dad for the other for so long: I always felt like I only had limited time to do things in one place. This extended to school as well – at some point I just stopped taking any homework home and simply did everything at school. Once again, my therapist asked if anyone ever suspected I might have ADHD and also if I ever had to take any intelligence tests. Neither of those happened but she still thinks I was unchallenged at school. She also was suprised by the fact that I wasn’t as introverted as a child as I am now and that I never wanted to go to university (which is mostly because I wanted to be independent and actually do work instead of being judged for theoretical stuff I can still learn without having to stay at school).
Anyway, then we also had to talk about my accomplishments and my goals in therapy as we have to file an extension request for the insurance.
- Self-harm less often
- Start to see myself as a human being
- Panic attacks happen so rarely that I view them as done
- Stop self-harming for myself. At the moment I just don’t do it because I don’t want to disappoint my therapist and my partner. If I was on my own I would immediately start again – that has to change
- The last session showed we have to work on my ability to tolerate the thought of my parents meeting ever again
- Dealing with rage
- Talk about the shame I feel about many things concerning my body (which will also include talking about abuse by a relative)
- Reducing suicidal thoughts even further (not suicidal at the moment but thoughts still occur)
I feel that this was a very productive session, I’m so satisfied. Hope you all have a nice weekend 🙂