…that has been an official term for describing BPD over the last few years. I’ve never been able to relate to the term so much as for me, personally, the illness has been rather dominated by my inability to connect to any emotions or just a few of them. It has never been about mood swings as you’d imagine them generally because in my range some emotions were simply missing. I often just felt an “I’m not fine” without knowing what it was exactly and I had no words for different “kinds” of positive moods. Solely rage has been the one I always knew and recognized.
These past few weeks I’ve come to know why the disorder is called like that. I’m feeling all kinds of emotions, so strange and unknown. Rage doesn’t overwhelm me like it used to, maybe that’s because I notice it earlier when it’s still just a Rageling. And then all the other things: tender, little feelings that are somewhat fluffy inside my chest, black holes in my stomach that are trying to absorb me and also a lot of palpitations of which I don’t know where they’re coming from. I don’t have names for it. I’m not sure if this tearing I’m feeling inside my chest is sadness. Or if there are official names for different kinds of happiness – is the fidgety kind where you want to jump the same emotions as the one where you have to smile because a ladybird just landed on your desk?
My therapist always says I should just write down what it feels like and what happens in my body. And I feel so incredibly dumb because I hardly ever know what an emotion is called. It makes me tired because what follows every single emotion is a mixture of fear, pain and the urge to self-harm. Simply because they’re all threatening. Every one of them makes me more human, softer and more fragile than I’ve ever felt before. And even if you all tell me that this is progress – right now I just want to hide behind my cold, smooth and impenetrable facade.