That’s the word I’d use to describe my current state – everything inside me is changing so quickly that the word “mood swing” doesn’t feel strong enough anymore. It confuses me:

  • How many feelings I have right now and that none of them is knocking me down. It’s nearly like my therapist always describes it: Different emotions come…and then they go away again, just like that. Until now my range consisted of very few feelings that, if they came at all, used to come so intensely that I just had to lose control.
  • How understanding the people around me are. Since I started seeing my therapist I’ve opened up about my symptoms more and more and that has lead to so many good things in my interpersonal relationships. I still can’t believe it but what I’m experiencing right now is that there are people who like me just the way I am…even without my facade.
  • How much I “need” my therapist. Once again we have a two-week break and it’s upsetting me quite a lot. Especially because I feel like we’ve stirred up a hornet’s nest during the last session, the next one seems ages away.
  • How much I’m struggling with every-day trivialities although the big picture is moving in the right direction – I mean, how is it possible that stuff like grocery shopping, making an appointment with a doctor, cleaning up etc. feel like Mount Doom while I’m coping really well with much more difficult things?!
  • How time is flying. It’s just been New Year’s?! And now it’s time to make the extension request for therapy (red tape, authorities, evaluations – FEAR), time to unpack the long trousers, time to get used to low season at work again.

There’s so much happening although I’ve been trying to let as little as possible happen for weeks – I try to keep all appointments away from me that aren’t necessary, I don’t call anyone, I save all ressources that I don’t have to use because I fear I’ll just lose it otherwise. The fact that the panic attacks are coming more often again shows me that I really have to get as much peace and quiet as possible. Maybe it’s just time for a holiday (in September) or rather my reducing hours at work (from October on). Maybe I have to come to terms with the fact that I’m simply not as tough as other people.


2 thoughts on “Confused

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