Today’s session was about the voice that is telling me about my needs and things I have to change. That voice exists – it made me talk to my superior, it screamed that I had to go to the other end of the world for a few months…it is there. But unfortunately I only hear it when I’m already in a crisis. Before I’m down on my knees I don’t think about the fact that I (am allowed to) have needs. I endure. I remain silent and build walls and bite through things until I have to flee. It has always been like that.
My therapist wants me to hear the voice earlier, to recognize warning signs and react to them. But that’s really difficult for me because like always I’m thinking that things have to be absolute: Either something works (totally) or something doesn’t work (at all). When something is basically working but a small problem comes up I don’t know what to do because I can’t classify the whole thing anymore. Then I fear that it doesn’t work at all anymore and everyone but me knows it – and that I’m going to be left or fired, for instance because I haven’t seen that a certain thing went from “works” to “doesn’t work”. And as long as I classify something as “works” I don’t allow myself to change anything.
This enduring is quite exhausting, I used to be better at it. I took everything that was being thrown at me, I bottled it up, I endured. Always hoping that some day something would happen that would be the straw to break the camel’s back. I wanted to take it so far that I would have to lose control at some point. Go mad, crack, roar like a dragon, throw dishes, explode. It just somehow never happened. I always control myself. Even when I’m drunk I’m mostly occupied with trying to appear sober. I don’t destroy. I don’t scream. I can’t even bring myself to hit a cushion because I feel sorry for it – after all it hasn’t done anything to me. I inhibit myself before I even get started. I am the opposite of a rockstar smashing their hotel room without even thinking about it.
Now my homework is to wake the dragon after all because my therapist says that the dragon is my power and that I don’t have to fear it. I’m supposed to go into a tunnel and scream or hit a cushion after all…whatever. She says that nothing bad is going to happen. I’m not so sure about that…