Somewhere I read that everything feels worse and more dramatic as a teenager because the brain is still evolving and cannot yet relativize that well – so you can’t actually feel that things pass.
The brains of borderlines also show more activity in areas that are connected to “drama” and less in places that regulate emotions – this is a very un-scientific way to put it but Latin is a little bulky for my purposes 😉
Therefore I continue (still very un-scientifically) by saying that it makes perfect sense that I often feel like I’m still 14. I know in the hard moments that they won’t last forever but I just don’t feel it. When I’m fine I can never believe that I will ever fall again and when I’m scared it feels like I’ll never be happy again. That makes it hard to cope with strong emotions such as rage or despair. When everything feels incredibly bottomless and terrible it doesn’t help much to know that the sunshine will one day not feel like pure scorn anymore. It also makes possible consequences of dysfunctional behaviour seem irrelevant – when I feel as if the pain will never stop a few more scars don’t matter…even though of course I do rationally know that this feeling is not forever as well.
The past few days I have been telling myself several times an hour: It will not hurt forever. I will not be scared forever. I will not feel like a walking failure forever. It will not be hard forever.
And even though I don’t feel it: The truth is that nothing lasts forever.