Hole

Since the experiment from my last therapy session it hurts. I’ve really attempted to do my homework but I failed miserably. It wasn’t possible for me to distinguish what is my opinion and what is just some misconception that the detatched protector whispers in my ear in order to keep me from feeling whatever it is I could feel.

The problem is: I feel it nonetheless. Since the last session I’ve felt what I’ve never felt before. The detatched protector isn’t working anymore as the small child I used to be fight’s its way and reminds me that emotions from back then don’t just vanish when I ignore them long enough. And I can’t even tell if I’m sad. Or maybe angry. If I feel lonely or scared. I just know that there is a huge hole in my chest that hurts so incredibly much that I can hardly breathe when I think about it.

It is just like in my past as I can’t even weep although the lump in my throat is growing daily. I don’t even know how I could possibly explain what exactly is so difficult right now. After all, I can hardly answer the question if I’m okay with “I feel as if I was going through all difficult situations of my life at once, right in this moment and that causes a yawning void in my chest that even makes it hard to just open my eyes.”

I only know one way to plug the hole and that is self-harm. It’s been a long time since I’ve been this close to just giving in and doing it. I’m running out of strength. Since the last session I’ve been doing nothing but distracting myself. And when I couldn’t distract myself anymore I used skills. And when even that wasn’t possible anymore I slept. At the moment it doesn’t feel like going without self-harm increases my quality of life – quite the oppsite actually. But now it’s Thursday evening. Right now I’m writing so that I don’t freak out and when I’m done I’m going to bed. Tomorrow I’ll get up and go to work. As always at this time of the year there will be a lot to do. Then I’ll go home. Clean the flat. Go running. Eat. Meet a friend. After that I’ll be allowed to go to sleep. And when I wake up I’ll just have to get to my therapist’s. 35 hours to go. 2100 minutes. 126000 seconds.

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15 thoughts on “Hole

  1. I hate to write this without it sounding too harsh but I’m just going to say it. I have all of the techniques. I do. The angels, the protector, everyone to pull in and make that child feel safe and yet while IN THERAPY of all places i wished I could just stab myself in the leg. It is all I wanted to do. I only share this absolute truth. Which i have never shared before with anyone because i know the struggle is so so so hard and we have to keep fighting and finding new ways because the pain is real. I’m thinking of you. Feeling for you. Sending you love and understanding.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I don’t think that it’s sounding too harsh and I feel honoured that you’re sharing it here. I can totally understand that feeling and I think that it’s so important that we talk about these things. Thank you for your courage and your understanding – and keep strong, you got this!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Firstly, not really related to the subject matter, your writing style is fucking amazing. You write in a very “real” and raw kind of way, and I feel like people can relate to that.

    It’s totally normal to struggle with relapsing in any kind of addiction. That’s totally be expected. I can’t necessarily make things better for you, or solve everything-but I’m here if you need a friend and I’m happy to chat any time x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow, thank you so very much – that’s a huge compliment – especially for me as a non-native speaker :)!

      And you’re right, it’s to be expected and it’s something that passes, we should always keep that in mind. And thanks for the offer – comments like yours mean a lot to me and give me so much strength. If you need someone to talk (or write to), I’m here as well!

      Liked by 1 person

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