Since the experiment from my last therapy session it hurts. I’ve really attempted to do my homework but I failed miserably. It wasn’t possible for me to distinguish what is my opinion and what is just some misconception that the detatched protector whispers in my ear in order to keep me from feeling whatever it is I could feel.
The problem is: I feel it nonetheless. Since the last session I’ve felt what I’ve never felt before. The detatched protector isn’t working anymore as the small child I used to be fight’s its way and reminds me that emotions from back then don’t just vanish when I ignore them long enough. And I can’t even tell if I’m sad. Or maybe angry. If I feel lonely or scared. I just know that there is a huge hole in my chest that hurts so incredibly much that I can hardly breathe when I think about it.
It is just like in my past as I can’t even weep although the lump in my throat is growing daily. I don’t even know how I could possibly explain what exactly is so difficult right now. After all, I can hardly answer the question if I’m okay with “I feel as if I was going through all difficult situations of my life at once, right in this moment and that causes a yawning void in my chest that even makes it hard to just open my eyes.”
I only know one way to plug the hole and that is self-harm. It’s been a long time since I’ve been this close to just giving in and doing it. I’m running out of strength. Since the last session I’ve been doing nothing but distracting myself. And when I couldn’t distract myself anymore I used skills. And when even that wasn’t possible anymore I slept. At the moment it doesn’t feel like going without self-harm increases my quality of life – quite the oppsite actually. But now it’s Thursday evening. Right now I’m writing so that I don’t freak out and when I’m done I’m going to bed. Tomorrow I’ll get up and go to work. As always at this time of the year there will be a lot to do. Then I’ll go home. Clean the flat. Go running. Eat. Meet a friend. After that I’ll be allowed to go to sleep. And when I wake up I’ll just have to get to my therapist’s. 35 hours to go. 2100 minutes. 126000 seconds.