Today we spoke about two issues.
No. 1 – my creed:
Only after the last task has been completed, only after the last item on the to-do-list has been ticked off, only after the last work has been done, then will I find that one can have fun in life as well.
When I have not completed something it stays on my mind all the time – I am unable to relax as long as there is something to do. Indeed I am under the illusion that there will come a day where everything is done: All the things I want to change in the flat, everything that has to be done work-wise, every overdue meeting, just absolutely everything. And then I will have so incredibly much fun, I will do so many wonderful things – it’s going to be awesome!
Of course, this is complete nonsense which is why I now have to write a list (yeah!) with things I would do if I could – and then I’ll have to use this list for interrupting my usual to-do-list. My partner is quite gleeful when my therapist sounds just like him and I am sure that he will prevent me from getting stuff done even more often then usually from now on. Even before I’ve started I am frustrated by this task.
Especially now in summer I have lots of energy I could use to get tasks done so I feel like I have to accomplish as many things as possible.
Related to the issue of my hating being interrupted whilst doing something my therapist wanted to know whether I’d ever gotten Ritalin as a child or if there ever was a supsicion I could have ADD – I can’t relate to that at all as I think that I am uncommonly good at concentrating – also for longer periods of time…
Issue number 2 was self-harm, just like alwas these days. Today we got to the bottom of things concerning the question why it is so irreplacibly important for me and there were two things that came to mind:
1. Self-harm is anti-dissociative for long periods of time; this is especially important as I am now prone to dissociation where I used to have panic attacks. Situations that usually are huge challenges, make me drift off and feel helpless are not a problem when I know that there is a wound. It’s not even about the pain but simply about the knowledge that there is something that makes me feel present and efficient and stable. Using skills enables me to stay “here” for short periods of time but nothing is as lasting as cutting. Unfortunately my therapist considers whether this phenomenon could be treatable with meds. I don’t know what she has in mind – we decided to try more different skills but (unfortunately) the thought is there.
2. When I self-harm I feel invulnerable. Similarly to saying sorry all the time I try to do something in advance in order to stop it from happening – following the principle of “If I hurt myself and make myself feel small, nobody else can!”. We will try to find out where this comes from but the feeling that I can cope with others hurting me, with disapproval or judgement better when I hurt myself in advance is very present.
I can’t find a clever conclusion so I’ll just leave it there for today.