During the last therapy session my therapist (very carefully) suggested something that has been on my mind ever since. I can’t exactly repeat what her words were but it was about the question whether my thoughts of self-harm are just as pressing at the moment because the whole thing doesn’t play such a huge role in my life anymore. Meaning – precisely because I have kicked away the impulse again and again for such a long time it wants more attention, tries to throw me back into my old habits and doesn’t leave me alone.
At first glance that souunds like something to be glad about but it doesn’t feel that way:
I am not ready to think about a definite goodbye.
If it’s only getting worse, why am I holding out?
What I’d like most would be to prove I can still do “it”.
I still want to have that option.
Precisely because it looks like I’m over the hump I should cut.
…and similarly destructive thoughts are on my mind.
My therapist reckons it is time to think about something that can take the place self-harm used to have in my life. Now that I can use my skills to an extent where there’s no self-harm it’s not enough to just kill time anymore – I also have to fill the gap that starts to develop now.
This task is totally too much for me. I don’t want anything to replace self-harm, I can’t imagine what it could be, I am not ready to close that door yet, I can feel that everything inside me is reluctant to think about this. Not because I can’t see that my therapist’s words are making sense but precisely because I know she is right. If I imagine replacing self-harm I feel like a fraud – nothing can ever replace something this destructive and if I imagine that from now on I should first use my skill chain and then fill the vacuum with…WHAT FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE?! every time I want to cut…it just doesn’t work in my head.
I have to talk to my therapist about what she meant exactly – maybe I can reduce the room self-harm take up in my thoughts somehow and it’s not even about a substitute activity. It really confuses me and above all it makes me realize just how unready I am to think about stopping for good….