Attack!

If you read about BPD-symptoms you will sooner or later stumble upon the phrase “rapid mood swings” but sometimes it’s nearly unimaginibly absurd just how rapid they can actually happen.

The last two, three days were okay. I was somewhere between empty (which sucks but is quite relaxing after the last few weeks), nervous (which is okay because nervous is not as bad as panicking) and happy (which is awesome – I really enjoy the fact that summer is coming). It was okay.
Today when I came home from work I felt quite tired and decided to take a little nap which is usually good for me (if it doesn’t turn into a daily habit and actually is a way of avoiding life). Anyway, I took the nap and before I did there was not a single sign that something could have been off. By now I am pretty good at reading early warning signs, using skills in time etc. Today I didn’t feel anything that could have given me a clue. When I woke up, I was in the middle of…I don’t know what?! Panic? High tension? Dissociation? I felt like I had no control over my body, my heart was beating way too fast and literally all I could think about was cutting. I felt as if I was breaking apart, as if something tore my head apart, I wanted to scream but as usually I just wasn’t able to do anything but freeze.

Ammonia, heat cream, porcupine balls, exercising and breathing brought me back in the past hour and I think it’s a miracle I didn’t cut. It was so intense and so out of nothing – usually tension builds up over time or at least I know what triggered it but this was like an attack completely out of the blue. Right now I’m just writing in order to calm down before I’m going to bed…hope my herbal meds kick in quickly; all breathing exercises I’ve ever learned won’t be enough for a quiet night.

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