I’ve mentioned the fact that I’ve been bringing myself to go running twice a week since last September as well as the topic “Music” before. But recently I’ve discovered a curious thing and it has to do with both of them: I am able to “neutralize” “evil” songs by exercising:
Mostly I go running with my partner which is a nice after work activity – and especially when it’s cold it’s easier to find motivation together. But sometimes I am out on my own and I noticed that I have more élan with some music. Now the thing is, I am not a huge fan of technology and I still have my loyal old MP3-Player with its veeeeeeery little memory space. So the 120 songs I can put onto it are supposed to be something special – 100% of my playlist means something. There is not a single song I don’t care about – special memories are tied to each one and there are days where I actually have to skip certain songs as some tunes can definitely wreck my whole mood.
Recently I’ve noticed that I don’t have my usual “skipping-tic” when I am running, I rather just let the songs come as they are…as long as I am moving they don’t do anything special to me, they are simply…okay. The memories do come but they don’t have any emotional impact, they rather float past me, I take note of them and that’s it.
During our holiday I was even able to plug my MP3-Player in for the car journeys – I would never have done that some time ago as I would have dreaded reacting emotionally in front of another person or being judged for songs I really don’t listen to because of their musical value but just due to nostalgic reasons. Now I still think about the latter but my fear of a song crushing my mood is as good as gone and that is definitely linked to my listening to music whilst running.
I don’t know how to explain this but the negative emotion I mostly feel is fear and I guess it’s easier to be scared when you’re petrified on a couch than when you’re moving and therefore following your “Fight or Flight-instinct” and just keeping on running until it’s okay again.
Keeping this in mind I want to tackle more “difficult” songs I haven’t dared listen to yet little by little – those where I have really rough memories that still have strong emotional impact on me. Such as the song I heard when I had the first panic attack I can remember. Or the one I used to turn on for cutting myself. Or the tune that was the soundtrack for all my suicide plans. And if that works as well I want to ask my therapist if I can simply use this “technique” for other bad memories that aren’t linked to songs somehow. I call that “Running away in the positive sense”.
Does anyone here have similar experiences? Or is what I’ve noticed and concluded just coincidence?