A comparison…

…I probably shouldn’t even make – but it’s almost inevitable. I’ve now been working with my therapist for about the same time my last therapy lasted and the huge difference is nearly insane!

Within the same amount of time I had been talking about all the issues I could think of back then – and had been unable to find solutions for any of them. I just felt bad because of all these things I wanted to work on and thought I failed because nothing changed.
Today I have strategies for many issues that I’ve been working on with my therapist. My everyday life is easier because of that, memories can’t overwhelm me so easily anymore, I have emergency plans. I haven’t spoken about all issues though – and that’s because my therapist feels and respects when I’m not ready for something. All things I didn’t have back then.

I don’t want to imply that my last therapist didn’t do her job well. I just want to say that she and I were obviously a very bad match. It definitely was due to the method I couldn’t relate to as well. But I didn’t know what therapy was supposed to feel like. Didn’t now how much time it was okay to take until something changed. Didn’t know if I was allowed to say that certain things didn’t work for me. Didn’t know if I was just the cliche therapy-resistent borderline personality.

When I was so enthusiastic at the beginning of this therapy I didn’t really trust my judgement – could well have been that I was once again just happy about having found someone only to realize it didn’t work after some time. The classic “I’ll just idealize this, after all I can still devaluate it later!”. But after all these months I am positive that it is actually different this time. So many things work better than ever before, I have learned so much – and not just where symptoms come from but also how to cope with them. It is so successful that I’m actually looking forward to the tough topics that lie ahead as much as I fear them. Everything’s okay and above all lots of things that would take me months to figure out on my own, if I even could, happen within minutes.

Thank you, dear therapist!

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