Talked about this. About the fact that I feel overwhelmed by everything because I demand so much of myself. About perfectionism. About the time I use for double-checking absolutely everything. Does it have a compulsive character? No idea, after all I have the time. I work fast, I read fast, I do things fast. Always fast enough to be able to check if everything is perfect. What would happen if I didn’t do that for once? No idea, after all it has always worked so far. Did I have parents where performance was a condition for love? Absolutely not! Luckily I didn’t have parents like that. So what is the reason for my demanding so much of me? I guess it just kind of happened. I was more docile than the other children, I could read before the other children could. I had less friends than the other children. That was the way it was and after some time I felt like I couldn’t change it anymore. Also there was responsibility very early which made ordinary things like playing tricks or forgetting about homework seem impossible. I was old very soon, was the little grown-up, first due to some situations and then due to habit. Do I fear punishment when something is not perfect? Is this why I fear losing the job, the partner? Yes, probably. After all I don’t know anything else and nobody knows me differently. I always did my homework at school, in the breaks or in easier lessons so that I had time for more important and serious things at home. My reports always were extremely good. In every job I’ve ever had I got more-than-average responsibilities within a very short time. In private life I am the one who always thinks of everything. Was I too smart and would it have been easier if that hadn’t been the case because the perfect facade would have been impossible to maintain? Shrugging. I am just orderly. I never really got maths. How did I cope with the pressure? Come puberty I thought about the things other unhappy teens did. Alcohol, drugs, skipping school and shoplifting – all forbidden things, too many problems if I got caught, too difficult to hide… So never anything reckless? Always controlled? Yes. Proud of cutting, that was my outlet – everyone else had problems that needed attention…but I did it all on my own. I was better, tougher, hardened. Would I have liked someone to talk to? Who? My various families were so different that one wouldn’t have understood what I wanted to tell about the other. My peers often had different attitudes, I couldn’t accept the friends I had for what they were after all the years of being an outsider. There was a huge feeling of being misunderstood. Am I rationally aware that the world wouldn’t end if I made a mistake? Yes. Probably. Nevertheless there are different rules for me than for the others. Right?
After that we talked about some other things. For example my anger-protocol from before my holiday. But when I’m empty, scared, dissociated there is no anger. It only comes when I’m okay. Interesting, my therapist called that. I’m not sure if I like professionals regarding my symptoms as interesting 😀
We also briefly broached my fear of authorities. But when my therapist mentioned the words “loss of control” and “subjection”, we both backpedalled quickly (did I hyperventilate? Cry? No idea).
Although it was one of these sessions where it’s impossible to finish everything that comes up I feel a little better for the first time in days. And the sun is shining. Everything. Is. Going. To. Be. Okay.