Yesterday evening everything collapsed. Especially me. I felt like all the demands in my life gushed in at once and I don’t even have enough strength for half of them:
All the issues at work I need most of my energy for. I love my job and that’s exactly why I have a huge fear of not being able to manage everything there is to manage.
My therapy which continues on Saturday. I still have some homework to do and I really want to focus on that. I know that I have to because if I don’t it will never ever get better.
And then all the friends to whom I dedicate as much time as I can – but it’s still too little. So many appointments and there are still about ten people who are waiting for me to call and have tea or coffee or a party. I turn down 7 out of 8 invitations and it’s still too much. Too much too much too much too much.
I don’t know what I can do, I have this feeling of being torn apart. That I am competely insufficient – and therefore I rediscover my self-hatred. Because I’m not enough. Because I pay so little attention to so many dear people as I need time and energy for my therapy while most of those two are needed for my job which I don’t do as well as I wish I could.
The feeling was there even before my holiday…but then I hoped I was just ready for a vacation and assumed it would be better after some time to relax. And I did relax. Really. But it’s still not enough – and that’s what’s bothering me.
Yesterday I freaked out…luckily my partner was there and prevented worse. Of course the thoughts about cutting are very present – after all it would be so much easier to function and fulfill everyone else’s wishes.
Today I started the day in extreme step-by-step mode: Just get up. Look for fresh socks. Brush your teeth. Each of these steps a huge mountain that had to be climbed. On my way to the tram I felt so tired that each step was an effort and at the same time I was so “gone” that it took me a while to notice that I had gone too far and was way past the station.
Writing is okay. That’s why I started with this. Which means I’ve already managed something today. I guess.