Too much

Yesterday evening everything collapsed. Especially me. I felt like all the demands in my life gushed in at once and I don’t even have enough strength for half of them:

All the issues at work I need most of my energy for. I love my job and that’s exactly why I have a huge fear of not being able to manage everything there is to manage.
My therapy which continues on Saturday. I still have some homework to do and I really want to focus on that. I know that I have to because if I don’t it will never ever get better.
And then all the friends to whom I dedicate as much time as I can – but it’s still too little. So many appointments and there are still about ten people who are waiting for me to call and have tea or coffee or a party. I turn down 7 out of 8 invitations and it’s still too much. Too much too much too much too much.

I don’t know what I can do, I have this feeling of being torn apart. That I am competely insufficient – and therefore I rediscover my self-hatred. Because I’m not enough. Because I pay so little attention to so many dear people as I need time and energy for my therapy while most of those two are needed for my job which I don’t do as well as I wish I could.

The feeling was there even before my holiday…but then I hoped I was just ready for a vacation and assumed it would be better after some time to relax. And I did relax. Really. But it’s still not enough – and that’s what’s bothering me.
Yesterday I freaked out…luckily my partner was there and prevented worse. Of course the thoughts about cutting are very present – after all it would be so much easier to function and fulfill everyone else’s wishes.
Today I started the day in extreme step-by-step mode: Just get up. Look for fresh socks. Brush your teeth. Each of these steps a huge mountain that had to be climbed. On my way to the tram I felt so tired that each step was an effort and at the same time I was so “gone” that it took me a while to notice that I had gone too far and was way past the station.

Writing is okay. That’s why I started with this. Which means I’ve already managed something today. I guess.

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5 thoughts on “Too much

  1. I am so sorry you feel torn apart. It is such a hard balance to do the things you NEED to do like therapy and a job and then have any time to do anything else. Step by step. I like that. Get up. Brush teeth, get dressed. That is how I am functioning today. Just one step at at time. One moment at a time. I think sometimes that is all we can do! Hoping your day gets better

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Yeah I know the feeling. It is easy to overdo it. It is hard to disappoint othets, but do everything at your own tempo. People who know you will understand why they don’t see you that much. And if not, it may sound harsh, but it’s not your fault and thus not your problem. Put yourself and your needs first. Like Bethanyk said: everything one step at a time.

    Liked by 1 person

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