…and yet

Still totally rested from the holiday, lots of time to relax, just nice things to do according to my diary…and yet I don’t actually feel stable. To be more precise, I think I am quite a bitch at the moment because somethings feels off. I can’t put my finger on the reason but I see how irritable, hard and unapproachable I am. Maybe it’s just my usual “Holiday is ending and I’ll be back at work and then the world is going to end!” – I have to explain this: Every time I have a few days off I assume that some of the things in the list below might happen at the same time:

  • Everything could be totally different, as in a nice colleague could have quitted, my desk could suddenly be somewhere else or everything might work completely different from the way it used to.
  • It could be that I can’t do my job anymore because I might have forgotten everything I need to know.
  • I might have too little time and get stressed and end up totally unable to cope.
  • My bosses may have realized that they don’t need me during my holiday and fire me as soon as I get back.
  • I might have made a terrible mistake prior to my holiday so that the whole team will wait for me with angry faces.

I am completely aware that these fears are totally irrational, that I didn’t forget everything I need to know about my job and that nobody’s just going to fire me. Still I can’t get the anxiety out of my head which obviously leads to lots of thoughts about self-harm…

I will go running today and spend my time with skills and hope that it’s going to be better afterwards. And I hope that everything’s just going to be fine when I get back to work on Tuesday and that this feeling of constant threat will get better then…because if this is not just my “End-of-holiday-syndrome” I just can’t figure out what the problem is right now.

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