Change in thinking

Until today I knew that therapy could help. An hour ago I actually felt it! It was an ordinary day, a few little everyday things that annoyed me, some stuff to get done for the next few days, distress level rising. This state where I only want to get everything over with as quickly as possible, get clumsy because of that and then have to do everything three times after all. This moment when everything gets blurry and I just want to scream, if only I could. This coincidence that I’m preparing food and have a knife in my hands. I was literally millimetres away from a rash action. That doesn’t hapen often; usually self-injuries follow a few days of invincable thoughts, but it does happen sometimes. But today I turned around at a point where I’ve never done it before. Not because I had wisely used my skills in time so that my distress level didn’t get that high at all. Also not because someone entered the room. And also not because I actually would have managed to distract myself in the few seconds that lay between tightening my grip around the knife and finding an appropriate spot.
No. My gaze fell upon my tattoo, it said “Positive mental attitude” today. And as if someone had flipped a switch, I dropped the knife, went to smell an essential oil until my head was a little clearer and then applied heat cream. I didn’t just tell myself but could actually feel that the many entries in my organizer are not trying to come for or corner me but that everything is fine and I have built in enough breaks.

It feels so damn great that I don’t have to fight for once, don’t have to keep going without knowing when it will get easier but to experience my distress level as something I have an influence on and also that I don’t have to actively remember my skills because they “happen” automatically. It’s not just that I’ve managed not to hurt myself somehow, no – the urge dissolved into nothing and I’m not nearly as exhausted as usually after incidents like this.

Whatever therapy may hold for me in the future – this was a huge success and I am immensely grateful for the fact that I benefit from it so much already!

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