Loneliness is a mean feeling. It can spread in little time and take away the joy in the most beautiful things. It doesn’t even depend on being physically alone – everyone who has felt totally lost in a crowd of people knows what I mean. Loneliness is also something I am familiar with. Especially as a teenager I often felt as if I was all on my own in the world despite the fact that there were people I saw every day I had none I felt I could tell what was going on inside me. This assumption that nobody could understand what I felt was the reason for as well as the result of my loneliness.
Today this is different. This blog gave me something I’d never thought I could have: The feeling that there are people who get what I mean. People who are interested in what I have to say and who don’t think I’m crazy. The number in my statistics is not a success in a conventional way but a huge crowd of people who give me strength as they read and write and fight just like I do. My blog is also a conncetion with people close to me in real life for whom I often can’t find the right words. One could actually say that what I’m writing here is changing my life and that’s why I’m incredibly grateful for this medium.
There are days when there’s actually nobody in my surroundings who can understand as the world is simply looking different for me and for people who have never had a panic attack. Days when I don’t feel like explaining that the twentieth ice cube on my arm can’t make the thoughts about self-harm go away to someone who works for some hotline. Days when I don’t want to write my therapist as I would have to explain things but can’t find the words in those moments. Or just days when it’s getting hard at four in the morning and everyone in my time zone is asleep.
Those are the days when I used to fall. Loneliness attacked and whispered to me that nobody would ever understand and that the only solution would be to vanish.
It’s still whispering but I can hardly hear it now as there is this blog with all the encouraging comments, the reader where I can see that people on the other side of this planet know exactly what I mean and the oppurtunity to get some thoughts out with every new post, no matter what time of day it is.
Today I know: I am not alone with any experience I make if I don’t choose to be. And that gives me so much courage!