Talked much about the incident that brought me to the limit last weekend. I immediately stressed that I’m aware I had no reason to freak out and that I reacted in a completely exaggerated way, only to be surprised by the fact that my therapist thinks that my anger in that situation was completely undestandable. Now I have to go into all the “trivialization work” I’ve done these past few days again and think everything through once more. The most important thing my therapist said was that my feelings and needs are valid in any case, also if they don’t match those of other people and even when I can’t explain them rationally. That might sound completely logical for most people but for me it turns my whole concept of life upside down: I always assume that people have good reasons for their behaviour and if possible I only act out when I can argue why something is wrong in my eyes without leaving any doubt. If I “just” feel uncomfortable about something it’s not enough to talk about it, and if I did I would feel like a dramaqueen or like being difficult or like fussing about nothing…but that’s just me. Apparently my therapist has a different opinion.
We quickly arrived at my problem with “world collisions”, so my being unable to tolerate meetings of people from different parts of my life (different groups of friends, family and work, different parts of the family etc.). Every time I try to explain how I dissolve when something like that happens, that I know even less who I am, what I’m supposed to behave like, what is left of me, people say “But it’s completely normal to act differently at work and at home!”. I am aware of that but what happens to me is different, more, wrong. My therapist also thinks that it is quite intense and that the way I live my many “roles” to an extent where everything that happened before and might happen afterwards seems totally unrealistic and far away to me is not “normal”. Apparently there’s more dissociation involved than I already knew.
For the time being we will work on my letting needs and emotions be there without judging them and above all without altering them for others (in my ears that sounds like I will be a monster but I guess my therapist knows what she’s doing). I am scared I will be viewed as a bitch, as distant, as uninterested and selfish as everyone is used to my trivializing what I said after a short time or saying sorry or adapting otherwise.
This post sounds quite pathetic, I don’t really know what to do about those things that seem so out of reach to me. What I do know on the other hand is that I wish everyone here a nice weekend 🙂