Last week was really hard to get through for me – stress at work, the appointment with the psychiatrist and then a weekend where I couldn’t just stay on the couch but had lots of plans in my hometown. Basically mostly nice things with people I couldn’t wait to see. There were pleasant evenings and funny conversations. And yet something went wrong inside me. I just wanted to vanish, wanted to sleep, wanted it to end. Two of my favourite people did something that was completely okay and sane and human…but unfortunately also a massive trigger for me.
I still have to discuss if the way I dealt with it was progress when I see my therapist: What I did was not nearly as destructive as it would have been mere months ago and as my head wanted it to be in that moment. Although I was completely out if my mind I used skills, I went on and on, I can’t remember all of it. On the other hand I also know that it didn’t go as constructively as it should have. The fact that there are memory gaps shows that there is a lot of room for improvement. Also that I didn’t manage to hold out for myself the way I usually hold out for the two people this was all about and that it took until today to recover a little, all that is not ideal.
What I feel know is mostly exhaustion. It’s making me tired that relationships are so demanding for me, that I feel threatened by the people I ought to learn to trust so often. I just want to be like everyone else and not have all these overwhelming feelings of which I know, even in those moments, that they won’t be important a few days later. I want less drama and more peace in my relationships. I want to manage enjoying the day off I’m taking on Friday due to all this “too much” instead of switching to my “I have to use the time and get a thousand things done-mode” instead. I don’t want to be what I always used to understand by borderline. I. Want. To. Manage. This.