Oh boy…as you can read here, my therapist wants me to keep track of all the emotions I feel this week. When she said so last Saturday I was pretty sure that this was going to be an easy task as I’m used to monitoring my thoughts all the time…how wrong I was 😀
So far, I have identified joy, disgust, anger, fear and something I would describe as pride for lack of a better word (pride sounds so huge and wrong…) in different situations. I feel like a complete idiot due to the fact that I have a whole list of physical “symptoms” from moments where I was unable to find a word or even know what I was actually feeling. Even little children usually know what they feel, right? This is so hard for me…for the first time in my life I’m aware of the fact that I often know I feel “bad” or “upset” without being able to tell if this might actually be sadness or anxiety or whatever. It’s quite frustrating that this is so tough for me – I’ve always been aware that grief doesn’t seem to affect me the same as other people but right now I’m learning that there are many more emotions I can’t seem to identify. This might also be why others’ reactions sometimes confuse me or people often think I’m upset when I don’t even feel that way.

I know that I built a wall between myself and my emotions when I was very, very young – and because of Germany’s history and a certain mad capitalist with a guinea pig-hairpiece we know that building walls is not such a great idea (was that political? The plan was to not ever talk about politics here…ooops :D). Anyway, this wall kept me from feeling anything for a long time. But some feelings made it through: Anger for example was and is very hard to keep behind the wall. Also panic made it through at some point and in contrast to other feelings I had no choice but showing it – I suck at crying (there were times when I hadn’t cried for years) but panic attacks left me with no other option than hyperventilating and shaking and doing all the unpleasant stuff others can see as well. I know that since the panic attacks have started to decrease, I generally feel more fear. Lots of fear actually, I’m scared several times a day but that’s another story.
I guess that more and more emotions will come through this wall during therapy and interestingly this thought doesn’t worry me. At the moment I’m just curious and observing and learning and sometimes wondering if I’m even weirder than I already knew 😀

16 thoughts on “Emotions?

  1. When you said “for the first time in my life I’m aware of the fact that I often know I feel “bad” or “upset” without being able to tell if this might actually be sadness or anxiety or whatever.” I identify so strongly.

    I used to categorize “bad” and “good” and now I can get to a few more definitions. A, my therapist, actually gave me flash cards to use for a while!

    Essentially, you are not alone, and it’s hard work but in my experience has been very rewarding.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It’s really good to know I’m not alone, I felt really weird because of this! Thank you so much for this comment!
      I’m curious what my therapist is going to teach me about this…obviously there is (once again) more to it than my beloved black and white 😀

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Oops! Pressed send too soon.

        I ended up going to yoga therapy which was crucial in assisting me with being curious about and not judging my emotions or if I did or didn’t know what they were. It also opened these emotional floodgates for me. But now I feel better equipped to state my needs in various states.

        Another thing I learned is lots of people dont understand their emotions, but they don’t know they don’t. So we’ve got a leg up there 😉

        Liked by 2 people

      2. 😀
        That’s really good to know. I used to practice yoga but didn’t know there was actual yoga therapy…sounds really awesome!
        Thanks for sharing this, I’m sure you’re right about the last thing you said – it made me smile and I’ll try to remember it when things are getting hard 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. How do u even write about how you’re feeling without getting overwhelmed- that happens to me whenever I try to write about emotions I feel. I also wish u luck with this cause it’d help you log so u can see a pattern, eventually.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hmmm…to be honest I usually feel pretty disconnected from overwhelming emotions when I’m writing…that’s why I love writing and so many things get clearer for me when I write about them…I don’t know how to describe it but sometimes I feel as if the letters I write suddenly let me see everything clearly…
      Anyway I thank you so much for your comment and wish you all the best with your emotions. Take care!


  3. Wow, you made me think with this post. I’ve always felt (and still do) that I’m good with my emotions, with naming them. Yet, I relate to what you say. Knowing I’m upset, but not able to really grasp what emotion/s I’m feeling. I’m going to be thinking about this a little more… Thank you. 🙂 ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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