Oh boy…as you can read here, my therapist wants me to keep track of all the emotions I feel this week. When she said so last Saturday I was pretty sure that this was going to be an easy task as I’m used to monitoring my thoughts all the time…how wrong I was 😀
So far, I have identified joy, disgust, anger, fear and something I would describe as pride for lack of a better word (pride sounds so huge and wrong…) in different situations. I feel like a complete idiot due to the fact that I have a whole list of physical “symptoms” from moments where I was unable to find a word or even know what I was actually feeling. Even little children usually know what they feel, right? This is so hard for me…for the first time in my life I’m aware of the fact that I often know I feel “bad” or “upset” without being able to tell if this might actually be sadness or anxiety or whatever. It’s quite frustrating that this is so tough for me – I’ve always been aware that grief doesn’t seem to affect me the same as other people but right now I’m learning that there are many more emotions I can’t seem to identify. This might also be why others’ reactions sometimes confuse me or people often think I’m upset when I don’t even feel that way.
I know that I built a wall between myself and my emotions when I was very, very young – and because of Germany’s history and a certain mad capitalist with a guinea pig-hairpiece we know that building walls is not such a great idea (was that political? The plan was to not ever talk about politics here…ooops :D). Anyway, this wall kept me from feeling anything for a long time. But some feelings made it through: Anger for example was and is very hard to keep behind the wall. Also panic made it through at some point and in contrast to other feelings I had no choice but showing it – I suck at crying (there were times when I hadn’t cried for years) but panic attacks left me with no other option than hyperventilating and shaking and doing all the unpleasant stuff others can see as well. I know that since the panic attacks have started to decrease, I generally feel more fear. Lots of fear actually, I’m scared several times a day but that’s another story.
I guess that more and more emotions will come through this wall during therapy and interestingly this thought doesn’t worry me. At the moment I’m just curious and observing and learning and sometimes wondering if I’m even weirder than I already knew 😀