After the last session I was pretty rattled but since Monday the pressure gradually decreased and today I arrived at my therapist’s office in a really good mood (I ignored the voice that asked what gives me the right to take someone else’s place when I’m okay). We quickly came to the point that what mainly upset me was the fact that there are lots of words for the things that bothered me when I was younger. That my family wasn’t so special that I couldn’t have talked to anyone. That this means that I could have said something as a child and might never have needed therapy. Or at least as a teenager and might have had fewer hard years.
We then spoke about a few family specialities and started to wonder how much space there used to be for my emotions. And well, what should I say – between people I had to be there for, people who felt uncomfortable with emotions and people who silenced their conscience with money I never had the impression that my infantile fears or things that made me angry actually could play a role. After all I always used to be the little grown-up and in the end cut myself off from many emotions until I felt nothing.
Therefore my task for the following weeks is to take notes about which emotions I do feel, when they come and in which situations I can’t place this at all, also what I feel in my body. I’m curious about this.
What I liked about today’s session was that there was no need to judge anything. There was no “That was wrong!”, but simply a “That’s the way it was, that’s the way it is now and what can we do about it…?”, and I really appreciate that. With my last therapist I always felt like I was supposed to wash my dirty linen in public and whine about it without any clues on what I could improve. Now I talk about issues and the focus is on what I can do, what I can work on now and this matches my way of doing things much better 🙂
She also managed to praise me for getting through this phase of huge distress so well without making me feel uncomfortable 🙂
Conclusion: Take notes on emotions, keep using skills, and keep going!
A nice weekend to you!