Yesterday I got yet another questionaire from my therapist which I have to fill in and take with me on Saturday. Once again this is about different symptoms and my statements as to how often and strongly they occur. I answer many questions with “Yes” – this huge list makes me wonder as many things that are routine for me seem to be extraordinary for others.
And then there are questions I’d never have expected to be asked when I was younger: Do you hear voices inside your head? Voices from outside? And even though I tick “no” these questions do something to me. When I was a child hearing voices was the epitome of madness if I can say that. And now I have to think about the fact that BPD can include psychotic symptoms in a matter-of-fact way and that it is not that far-fetched to ask me this question. And even though I’ve never heard voices it actually doesn’t seem far-fetched – if I keep in mind what I had the questionable pleasure to encounter with my pretty little head I can imagine quite a lot.
Let’s just hope that it’s never going to happen; after all I have enough to do with all the things where I chose “yes”.
The thoughts about cutting are more present with each day, it is not really a strong emotion or pressure but rather the constant thinking about it that makes me so tired. Fortunately I have my next therapy session on Saturday and I think I can keep it up until then. I just hope that I don’t expect too much as my therapist will not be able to just make the thoughts vanish. But everyone tells me I have to trust in therapy and that I have to use this safety net when things are getting hard so I’m curious what Saturday might bring.