As my therapist wants my emergency chain to include a psychiatrist I checked several options I have. The specialist she recommended is unfortunately already working to capacity and can’t take me as his new patient; this disappointed me a little as all other contacts on my therapist’s list can’t be paid for by public health insurance and would therefore be very expensive for me. So I just called up a practice near my home – that seemed reasonable to me in case there is a crisis. Unfortunately I don’t know what this doctor is like at all (I don’t pay much attention to those reviews you can find online) and now have an appointment in mid-February. I still don’t really know what I’m supposed to do there as I don’t want/need medication at the moment and the fear that she might think the same and react harshly nearly made me cancel the appointment three times already.
I generally feel a lot of fear right now: Fear that I can’t do my job anymore on Sunday evening, fear of all the emails on Monday morning, fear that my partner might leave me if I don’t have the energy to do all the stuff he could do with another girlfriend, a diffuse fear of the future because there is so much hatred in the world and I feel powerless when I see how small the things I can do are.
And I don’t want that. I don’t want to be infected by this irrational feeling of insecurity that is everywhere and makes people condemn everything they don’t know instead of getting to know it. I want to be brave and try new things and not worry about really everything all the time. I sometimes feel that this constant fear increases since the panic attacks have started to lessen – and I have to say if I have to choose from those two things, I’d rather take the panic attacks – at least those are limited in time.
At any rate it is warmer today and the sunshine that comes through my window feels so good 🙂