Just for myself!

A few years ago my problem was that I couldn’t/didn’t want to share my fear, my joy or any special moments without feeling as if I was dissolving, today my problem is that it feels like everything I experience on my own isn’t real. This goes so far that I actually had the following thought today: The only thing I do on my own without wishing for a human mirror is self-harm.
As this iscompletely¬† unacceptable I need a list with things I did/do/want to do on my own in order to tackle this topic. Let’s go:

  • My journey to New Zealand 2013/2014. That was just for myself without consideration for anyone else.
  • Good food: Be it some nice chocolate or a three-course-meal: No matter how alone I was/am, I’ve always tried to allow myself as much good food as possible.
  • Reading: I like to talk about books but reading is about the only hobby where my own pleasure is enough for me.
  • Therapy: It wouldn’t work otherwise.
  • Blog: Even though I first underestimated how many people I’d reach, how helpful the feedback would be and how much interaction it requires – at the end of the day every letter I type here is for me.
  • Christmas 2016
  • The way I’m dressing: I don’t know how much criticism and how many compliments I’ve received due to this. But no matter how weird I might come across, there were times in my life when the way I looked was the only thing that didn’t make me feel powerless and that also applies to my tattoos and my hair.
  • The little smoke break today. No, I don’t want to glorify smoking and I don’t do it often. But I am actually proud of the cigarette I enjoyed today in the morning as taking a break when it’s necessary is definitely not one of my strengths and today I managed to.
  • Self-love: The new term I added to the list of tags I use for my posts – because all the “BPD,- self-harm,- panic,- depression-, and triggerstuff” seemed a little one-sided to me.

Over the next few weeks I want to work on being enough for myself and stopping to be so clingy and also to be happy about things I can’t share at a particular moment.


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