The medical appointment on Thursday went…neutrally. He didn’t comment anything about me, my diagnoses, therapy. Just that he couldn’t sign the form for public health insurance without a complete health examination. So I told him to please do one. I’d wanted to have a bloodwork done for quite a while anyway – so far, so good. The problem is that this health examination includes one particular thing that is one of my worst triggers. Yesterday at the laboratory I completely lost it. Panic, dissociation, fear, flashbacks, the whole programme. I’ll probably have to do it again. I can’t even explain this further without despairing, the images from back then are coming up whilst writing this.
Anyway by this whole health insurance thing my fear of authorities and the like is activated. I panick at the thought of not meeting deadlines, doing anything wrong and tonight I even dreamed that I was reported to the police for not filling in a form correctly! These are completely irrational fears and the fact that I know this makes me even angrier.
And then there is this break exactly today as I can see my therapist only next week. I don’t want to write her as I don’t want to be the cliche clingy borderline after just three weeks but I just don’t know what to do. Next week I’ll have to see the doctor (and therefore leave from work early) yet again in order to talk about the results. I still don’t know what he thinks about me or therapy in general – what if the bloodwork shows that I’m (once again) anaemic and he says that’s why I’m depressed and I don’t need therapy? One never knows what orthodox medical practinioners might be up to…
I am so tired and sensitive, feel overwhelmed by the smallest things and just want to hide away. Yesterday evening I even pitied myself so much that I put salve on the wounds that haven’t healed yet – something that usually doesn’t work at all.
At the same time I hate myself (yes I know, the forbidden sentence) for whining at such a high level – after all I live in a country where I can just go and see a doctor and public health insurance comes up for a part of my therapy costs. I should be grateful for that instead of being such a picture of misery. I just wish this paperwork was over and I could concentrate on the things I’m actually supposed to do in therapy.