The medical appointment on Thursday went…neutrally. He didn’t comment anything about me, my diagnoses, therapy. Just that he couldn’t sign the form for public health insurance without a complete health examination. So I told him to please do one. I’d wanted to have a bloodwork done for quite a while anyway – so far, so good. The problem is that this health examination includes one particular thing that is one of my worst triggers. Yesterday at the laboratory I completely lost it. Panic, dissociation, fear, flashbacks, the whole programme. I’ll probably have to do it again. I can’t even explain this further without despairing, the images from back then are coming up whilst writing this.

Anyway by this whole health insurance thing my fear of authorities and the like is activated. I panick at the thought of not meeting deadlines, doing anything wrong and tonight I even dreamed that I was reported to the police for not filling in a form correctly! These are completely irrational fears and the fact that I know this makes me even angrier.

And then there is this break exactly today as I can see my therapist only next week. I don’t want to write her as I don’t want to be the cliche clingy borderline after just three weeks but I just don’t know what to do. Next week I’ll have to see the doctor (and therefore leave from work early) yet again in order to talk about the results. I still don’t know what he thinks about me or therapy in general – what if the bloodwork shows that I’m (once again) anaemic and he says that’s why I’m depressed and I don’t need therapy? One never knows what orthodox medical practinioners might be up to…

I am so tired and sensitive, feel overwhelmed by the smallest things and just want to hide away. Yesterday evening I even pitied myself so much that I put salve on the wounds that haven’t healed yet – something that usually doesn’t work at all.
At the same time I hate myself (yes I know, the forbidden sentence) for whining at such a high level – after all I live in a country where I can just go and see a doctor and public health insurance comes up for a part of my therapy costs. I should be grateful for that instead of being such a picture of misery. I just wish this paperwork was over and I could concentrate on the things I’m actually supposed to do in therapy.


2 thoughts on “Exhausted

  1. Maybe the fear of authorities and the related paperwork is a form of therapy too ;). It’s something you have to face, though you’d rather run away. I always ask someone I trust to tag along to such meetings to back me up and in the end we always evaluate what happened and how I dealt with the situation. Unfortunately, the longer you are running in the paper-mill, the more of those appointments you need to attend. I just see them as therapeutic learning moments.

    About your therapist: If you need help, call or mail. That’s their job, that’s what they are for. Don’t think about what they think of you, don’t hesitate because you feel clingy. Ask for help and dare to ask for help. It will only make your therapist understand you better :).

    I am currently writing on blogs entries multiple ones. I just can’t seem to finish them. That’s because I’m trying to study applied Buddhism and psychology, so I can use my experiences and help others profesionally. My first entry will be on what my therapy did for me. Maybe it will be helpful for you in some way, maybe not. I’ll post it asap.

    Keep it up! From what I’m reading on your blog, you’re doing well!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah, you’re totally right, I have to tackle that topic…I’d just rather do it a little later, some months into therapy and not right now before I even really know what’s happening…but I guess that’s not for me to decide^^
      And I also know I should contact her and not wonder what she might think of that…learning to ask for support is another thing I yet have to learn…
      I’m really curious and looking forward to your posts – hope you finish one of them soon 😉
      And thanks for your ever-so-kind words, it’s great to have readers like you!


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