Wow, that was a real cross-examination in the most positive way one can use that word – incredible how exhausting talking can be!
Today I was asked about all my symptoms (from the topics my therapist chose from her huge list of questions I assume she checked for several personality disorders), the conclusion was BPD again. Although I’ve never doubted that I am glad that I don’t have to get used to anything new. As the panic attacks are so rare at the moment we basically ignored those and rather tried to figure out which problems are the most pressing. Our conclusion was: My suppressed anger and the lack of sense of self. Those two things are what we want to work on in the near future. As public health insurance wants to know if there were any traumatic events I quickly explained which topic we will have to talk about (my too affectionate relative) but that I can’t do that yet (I lost the feeling in my hands as soon as she asked). She understood immediately and assured me that we won’t venture there for a long time which calmed me down.
We also talked about dissociation which mostly happens when there are too many people, I feel overstimulated or when a conversation is especially intense. She asked me to tell her as soon as it happens in therapy – I’m curious how that will work as I don’t feel very capable of acting in such moments and also I’m not used to communicating that feeling at all.
Then I got Diary Cards, everyone who went through DBT knows those. For everyone else: They are tabular protocols you write everyday about different things (suicidal thoughts/acts, self-harm-pressure/acts, when there’s an addiction, also substance abuse and so on). For me we wrote the following things into the blank sections: suppressed anger/acts, keeping wounds open, overstimulation/dissociation. I have to do that everyday now.
I also got a therapy contract, I’m supposed to read it and we’ll go through it next time. Whilst reading it I started sweating as there’s quite a lot about using my social environment and so on – it’s not one of my strengths to ask friends for help and I’m not sure if I’ll be able to do that really. I have to read it again with my partner and think about it. It’s probably a sort of progress that I even realize how nervous this sheet is making me – a few years ago I would have just signed it and not stopped to wonder if I can do that and if I have the right to say it’s hard for me.
My therapist also thinks there might be a little compulsion-problem (concerning my infelxible schedule, cleaning up, the “not-being-able-to-have-fun-as-long-as-there’s-something-to-do”, my inflexible ideas as to how I have to act and so on). I think those are things I do in order to make up for my chaotic inner life and that I sometimes just overdo. We’ll talk about this in the future.
We now have a week’s break and I have to find a sensible general practitioner in that time (I only had that in the town I come from) who fills out all the forms for public health insurance and tells them my problems are not physical ones. That will be awesome – an additional appointment where I have to tell a complete stranger things I’m always afraid nobody will believe me -_-
Although it was quite exhausting I feel very safe – I think my therapist has a better view of my mental state than anyone else already!
That was the report for today (incredible how much can be done in 50 minutes). I wish everyone here a nice weekend!