Talking

I have a reputation for being a chatterbox. Especially as a child I was hardly ever quiet and to this day I like talking, ask a thousand questions and just have to express my opinion.

Not so when it comes to tough topics. The last few days showed that very clearly:

  • Although I try not to think about what I’m doing too much it’s very difficult to say certain things in therapy. There are sentences I can’t utter without it resulting in me standing beside myself and not being able to keep going – if I can even get the words out at all. For example I’m able to say that I’m crazy, confused or weird but not that I’m ill. Or I can’t say I’ve cut, I always try to get around that by saying “I did something stupid…” or similarly vague things. It would be so lovely if my therapist could read my mind šŸ˜€
  • There were a few issues I had to talk about with my partner and we both had such huge diffiulties with it that we ended up writing emails. It might just be that we’re both used to that from the long-distance-relationship we had for a long time but usually tough things we can’t say still end up with an email – and that’s in spite of the fact that we’ve both had enough oppurtunities to see that we can count on each other.
  • A friend told me what the last few moths have been like for her and I was so impressed by her way of saying things. Really severe stuff, a mental illness, a whole painful truth that I could never tell anyone the way she did.

All this showed me just how many things I never say out loud. I’m scared that other people could see what I really feel like, that’s one reason I have this blog – people can read it and I don’t have to see their reaction (I don’t even let anyone read over my shoulder when all there is is a post’s title). Whilst writing I am serene, even if there are emotions I have never started to cry during the writing process.
When I tell someone that I’m not well I often feel like I wallow in self-pity (which is an absolute no-go), am intrusive or I feel judged. Everything I can solve with black humour is okay, I can fling stuff into peoples’ faces as long as their eyes are so wide that I can’t see them worrying.
I just think that the things that happened to me are not that special – after all everyone has their cross to bear and I hate feeling like I’m acting up. I can’t speak about topics that really hurt me because that would make me feel as if I was melodramatic about something that can’t be changed after all.

I know what the comments will include – that I have to take my emotions seriously, that I have to try talking to people I feel safe with and that I can practice that in therpy. And I know all that but sometimes it just feels like I’ll never be able to “normally” talk about certain topics even though blogging (and reading blogs) always shows me how important it is to get thoughts out and share them…

I’ve always liked the written word better than the spoken but nevertheless I’m annoyed when I’m supposed to talk and my repercussiveness suddenly leaves me. It just can’t be that I manage sarcasm, persuading and explanations without any problems but not an honest answer to “How are you?”…right?

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12 thoughts on “Talking

  1. I won’t give you the reactions you predicted šŸ™‚ I will say this…some people are better at expressing themselves in writing rather than verbally. I am one of those people. maybe you are too, which would explain why you prefer to email?…as long as you are expressing yourself in some form that is ok. Some people like to do cartoons or write poems or make videos or all kinds of stuff. Are you an introvert? Written expression will be easier for you as you have time to formulate your thoughts. Not everyone is good at thinking out loud. Verbal communication, laying it all out there doesn’t come easy for many people, including me. I used to be frustrated by myself in therapy as I used to feel I was crap at expressing myself. I was conditioned to NOT tell it like it is, by my family and all my early experiences. I vlog now, but it has taken me YEARS to get to this point, and I still think I’m shit at it! I share my blog link with my therapist and my YouTube channel, so she looks at this, and has a far better idea of how I’ve been feeling, rather than me trying to verbally explain it. Work to your strengths. It’s ok to be as you are. Just work around it a little and the obstacles will (in time) get smaller. X hugs

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for these kind words…you’re probably right, I shouldn’t judge whether talking or writing is the better way to express myself…I just sometimes feel like a coward when I can’t speak about stuff…and when I watch you vlogs I’m always impressed by the way you are able to say things even if it’s hard for you…
      I don’t even know whether I’m an introvert…I used to like being around people, at the moment I don’t really…when I’m well I talk a lot, when I’m not I get really quiet and withdrawn. I guess the better I feel the easier talking gets…
      Thank you so much, not just for this comment but also for your amazing blog – it has helped me a lot!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Being an introvert isn’t about how sociable you are necessarily…it about how you process information and your brain circuitry. Introverts have longer brain pathways so prefer to pause to reflect before they speak. Maybe you are an extrovert though as you said you are a chatterbox. I don’t know. I am a chatterbox sometimes, when I’m not depleted. I’d describe myself as a chatty introvert šŸ™‚ I’m glad you like the vlogs. I am doing them, not only to get messages out, but to practise speaking as I want to do public speaking eventually. I have a lot to learn šŸ™‚ It’s all good practise šŸ™‚ I’m glad you like my blog too, woop woop šŸ™‚ Thanks X

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      2. Chatty introvert sounds great, maybe that’s what I am after all…I guess most people think I’m an extrovert but I know that I get my energy back from time I spend alone, not from being with people…
        I think that’s really brave of you – hats off!

        Liked by 1 person

      3. That’s the answer then. If you recharge by being on your own, you’re an introvert šŸ™‚ It doesn’t mean you can’t be a chatterbox in phases when you’re rested. I am like that šŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

      4. You’re probably right…I’m just so insecure about myself…I feel like I’m a different person everyday so stuff like this makes me feel a little confused šŸ˜€
        But talkative introvert covers it all so I’ll stick to that in the future šŸ˜€

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Yes I do šŸ˜€ (or rather, sometimes BPD has me^^). That’s exaclty one of those things I hate about it – I can’t even tell whether I’m an introvert or not, that’s such a basic thing -_-

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I totally feel this – I’m better at expressing myself in writing, too, especially around the “difficult” topics.
    I’m waiting for what is undoubtedly going to be an emotionally charged therapy session today – I know my therapist wants to discuss my sexuality. I know it’s important to do so, and yet I can’t – Just can’t get the words out. I don’t know how to fix it but I sympathize.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hope your session went well…and thanks for sympathizing!
      Wish you all the best – let me know if you find a trick that makes talking as easy as writing šŸ™‚

      Like

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