I have a reputation for being a chatterbox. Especially as a child I was hardly ever quiet and to this day I like talking, ask a thousand questions and just have to express my opinion.
Not so when it comes to tough topics. The last few days showed that very clearly:
- Although I try not to think about what I’m doing too much it’s very difficult to say certain things in therapy. There are sentences I can’t utter without it resulting in me standing beside myself and not being able to keep going – if I can even get the words out at all. For example I’m able to say that I’m crazy, confused or weird but not that I’m ill. Or I can’t say I’ve cut, I always try to get around that by saying “I did something stupid…” or similarly vague things. It would be so lovely if my therapist could read my mind 😀
- There were a few issues I had to talk about with my partner and we both had such huge diffiulties with it that we ended up writing emails. It might just be that we’re both used to that from the long-distance-relationship we had for a long time but usually tough things we can’t say still end up with an email – and that’s in spite of the fact that we’ve both had enough oppurtunities to see that we can count on each other.
- A friend told me what the last few moths have been like for her and I was so impressed by her way of saying things. Really severe stuff, a mental illness, a whole painful truth that I could never tell anyone the way she did.
All this showed me just how many things I never say out loud. I’m scared that other people could see what I really feel like, that’s one reason I have this blog – people can read it and I don’t have to see their reaction (I don’t even let anyone read over my shoulder when all there is is a post’s title). Whilst writing I am serene, even if there are emotions I have never started to cry during the writing process.
When I tell someone that I’m not well I often feel like I wallow in self-pity (which is an absolute no-go), am intrusive or I feel judged. Everything I can solve with black humour is okay, I can fling stuff into peoples’ faces as long as their eyes are so wide that I can’t see them worrying.
I just think that the things that happened to me are not that special – after all everyone has their cross to bear and I hate feeling like I’m acting up. I can’t speak about topics that really hurt me because that would make me feel as if I was melodramatic about something that can’t be changed after all.
I know what the comments will include – that I have to take my emotions seriously, that I have to try talking to people I feel safe with and that I can practice that in therpy. And I know all that but sometimes it just feels like I’ll never be able to “normally” talk about certain topics even though blogging (and reading blogs) always shows me how important it is to get thoughts out and share them…
I’ve always liked the written word better than the spoken but nevertheless I’m annoyed when I’m supposed to talk and my repercussiveness suddenly leaves me. It just can’t be that I manage sarcasm, persuading and explanations without any problems but not an honest answer to “How are you?”…right?