Once again I’m searching for grey. For “normality”. For the average – although, on average it’s okay what my head is doing; it is well known that average values don’t tell us how significant the peaks and bottoms are…

Is the way I’m handling things at the moment very good?
Or is it all a farce and I’m just making myself and others believe I’m coping?

Do I actually deserve the love and attention and all the presents?
Or will someone take everything away with a laugh because I of all people cannot have these things?

Is my past full of beautiful moments?
Or actually full of injuries?

Have I always done my best?
Or am I a really a failure?

Can I find a solution by thinking?
Or would it be wise to just stop?

Do people actually want to help me?
Or do they really just want to hear that they’re right?

And I do know that there is no “either-or”, that the world isn’t just good and evil like a fairy tale, that there are two sides to every coin und that the answer is “and” at most times. I really know this, that’s exactly why my childish way of splitting one person into two – one good whom I love and one bad who does things I find difficult – so annoying. This doesn’t just apply to people but also to situations, days, plans and last but not least: myself. I’m searching…always searching for a consistent, versatile image that shows everything I know about myself. And I never find one. All the more so if I look for such an image of another person; no chance – except for people I know so little about that there is no conflicting information. Always reminding myself that all the classifications my head makes are bullshit makes me feel tired. I wish for so much more clarity. For lots of black. And white. May green, for all I care…everything but this “non-colour” you get when you mix all the colours in a paintbox – nobody likes that and yet everyone always wants to convince me that I have to see it in everything. It would be enough to drive you mad, in my case it’s probably enough to stay mad.


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