“He lost it…”

“…and threw himself in front of a train!” – with these words I was casually informed about a former colleague’s suicide.

So he finally did it. Nobody can pretend that there weren’t any signs. The last few times he contacted one uf us he seemed completely paranoid, connecting things that didn’t have anything to do with each other. He seemed nervous, thinking everything that happened was about him and I hardly recognized the person I used to work with.
He was one of my favourite colleagues; it was impossible not to laugh about his jokes. I knew him as a kind person with a hearty laugh and someone who could infect people with his enthusiasm. Someday he quit the job and started acting in weird ways. I wasn’t close enough to him to really know what was going on but basically everyone noticed something was wrong.

What makes me feel sad (apart from that he’s gone and there’s nothing anyone could do about it) is that the majority of my co-workers reacted with a shrug. “Well, he was pretty unstable…” they would say as if that made it any less tragic. As if it wasn’t our well-liked colleague but just some “loony” who didn’t leave anyone behind. And that’s something I notice very often when I talk about suicide to other people – many seem to think that suicide is something that’s not about our average friends and family members but only about crazy people you read about in the newspapers (or not because they don’t like writing about suicide but that’s another topic). There is a lack of awareness and a lack of respect in my opinion.

I can understand when someone thinks about suicide – I have certainly thought about it very often. Planned, written letters, abandonded plans…it would have been well thought out in my case. But my colleague…I fear that he did it out of acute desparation, he obviously felt so much fear and paranoia and I hate to imagine that he spontaniously jumped from that platform because he wanted to escape from something that wasn’t there…I hope there is a lot of peace wherever he is now and also that the train driver and his family are okay…I hope that everything that could have been done has been done and that he wasn’t all alone…I hope he found what he was looking for.


9 thoughts on ““He lost it…”

  1. Tragic. I am shocked about people who laugh with somebody, know him, and when he is jumping in front of a train just do there “well…life is going on”.

    But when I recognize that, I get to understand, that some of us are slightly different in our feelings. There is much more we let get close to us, much more thinking about others. And, well, going with it, much more exhaustion, stress and sadness. I learned we are called “highly sensitive people”.

    I am with you, wishing your former colleague, he might be in a peaceful place now. And for the traindriver, that the support can help him over that.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Right…
      Thank you for these kind words, I wish there were more people thinking like that, trying not to judge and understanding…
      Wish you a nice weekend with lots of pleasant feelings.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. But isn’t it normal? Acting like this? I know a few people where there weren’t any signs of a planned suicide or even the danger of trying.
    Sometimes it seems that this people are like the crying clown. They act normal but in the inside there is a storm. A suicide is always an act of desperation.
    Ps: sorry for my bad english, I’m used to speak italian and german 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey,
      I don’t know what “normal” is, if pretending that bad things don’t happen and hushing them up is normal, I quite like being not normal 😉
      But yes, I agree that there are many crying clowns, after all we live in a society where we’re not allowed to be “weak”
      Oh and by the way: Here’s my blog in German – with German comments and everything if you feel more comfortable with that 🙂 – http://www.borderlettersingerman.wordpress.com
      Hope you have a nice day!


      1. Thanks for the link 🙂 but I’m trying to write in english… since I have finished school I have little possibilities to speak or write 🙂 so it is a little exercise for me 🙂
        I will try to do some “letters” in english or in italian, knowing that many don’t understand the italian language, but sometimes for me to write in italian is not as difficult as to write in german. I’m used to speak a german dialect (my native language) that nobody would understand, so it’s harder for me to write in standard german than in italian 🙂 I will take a look on yout blog in german 😉

        Liked by 1 person

      2. That’s alright 🙂
        I know what you mean…I’m always watching movies in English and that’s pretty much all the practice I get…
        But speaking several languages is such an awesome thing, I guess the best you can do is to switch so that you practice all of them a little 🙂
        All the best with it!

        Liked by 1 person

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