I now have a fixed date for my first consultation with the new therapist: November 12. A good time of the year to start a therapy in my opinion: Winter is usually the hardest time concerning depressive symptoms and in summer I’m always very stressed at work so I have more energy for new realizations now that it’s over. My feelings towards this project are quite ambivalent:
On the one hand I know much better than last time what I want to achieve and what I want to work on in therapy, that’s definitely a good thing. Also I’m nearly alarmingly stable at the moment which means I might also be able to cope with more difficult topics. I am glad that the new therapist also works on Saturdays as it means I don’t have to hurry there after work or (like last time) have to reveal all my secrets at a very uncomfortable time of the day before going to work. Furthermore a lot of research has convinced me that behaviour therapy matches my way of doing things much better than the depth psychology from last time – I’m simply not the type of person who likes to talk problems to death and analyse them, I’d rather look for solutions and try things. What shouldn’t play a role but still does is the money: Last time I had a public health therapy place which my therapist wanted to give to someone else halfway through therapy and I could never have afforded the regular price (wouldn’t have wanted to as well). This time I pay for therapy myself, a fair price as I think and this also means that I don’t have any obligations and no pressure when nothing much happens for one or two sessions – I don’t “waste” a public health place so I can take my time.
So much for the good side.
On the other hand there naturally are doubts:
What if I fall flat on my face again, feel a lot of pressure, in short what if it doesn’t work once more? What if I have this first consultation, feel totally comfortable and then the therapist says she doesn’t want to work with me? What if it is too much for me to have appointments every weekend and therefore less time to relax? What if (and the fact that everything’s so fine at the moment makes this thought louder with every day) I’m not sick enough to deserve help after all?
I try to just wait and see, to trust the good feeling I have about this thing and not create problems even before I even saw my new therapist. But after my past experience I want to do it “right” this time, talk about the things I didn’t feel ready for in the past and I guess it would be a wonder if that didn’t make me feel a little insecure.
I want to believe that there is a Jack to my Jill concerning therapy, especially as I don’t hope for wonders but just want some advice about coping with certain symptoms.