Have you…?

Have you ever wondered where the difference between being loved and being crushed lies?

I’m asking because you have always stressed how much you loved me, because I know that you talk about Christian love all the time and because you always said I meant the world to you.

Have you ever wondered if you wanted to put things right with all your presents?

I’m asking because I don’t just want to assume that they didn’t come from the heart. After all it’s entirely possible that you are right when you say I’m unfair and ungrateful when I feel bribed by all those pretty things.

Have you ever wondered whether dignity is important for a child?

I’m asking because they say the dignity of men was unimpeachable…and yet I felt that your glances, words, hands and thoughts offended mine.

Have you ever wondered why there is not a single happy woman in our family?

I’m asking because I don’t know if you even notice how small they all are, how quiet and humbled. And because I would sometimes like to know what my life could have been like if these women hadn’t experienced violence, degradation and cheating.

Have you ever wondered how much it would be worth if someone came to you by their own accord?

I’m asking because I’m convinced that you long for that and because I wish you that you’ll never have to use pity, presents or pressure to get your attention again.

Have you ever wondered if the things you did with me were wrong?

I’m asking although I know that “right” and “wrong” are very subjective feelings. But still I’d like to know if you ever doubted that you were right. Because I can’t imagine that you honestly believe I made all the things that seperate us up.

Have you ever wondered if you should have talked about what hurt you in your family?

I’m asking because simply hating you doesn’t feel good. I don’t think I can ever love you again but it would be nice to understand. I can see clearly that you’re not happy and even though it wasn’t fair to let others suffer from it I acknowledge that there is a story behind it. Someday you might even regret that you have never faced your darkest nightmare. After all I’m still convinced that you never wanted to become mine. I don’t accuse you. I’m only looking forward to the day you’ll let me go

 

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