February 2015

Part 6 in a series about the time between my diagnosis and the start of this blog. Notes from my “Loose-screw-logbook”, the predecessor of my blog.

  • Topics in therapy: Self-love, allowing grief/anger about incidents in the past to come up, reducing stress, calming down, stopping thoughts deliberately is not the same as suppressing them, weird dreams. According to therapist all the mean things of which I fear others might think them about me are my own thoughts about myself. She says I have to relativize what I view as failure.
  • After a week full of work and renovation of bathroom I break down. Am completely confused, cry and can’t stop, have to hand over all knives etc. to my partner. Feel very ashamed although partner and therapist think this step was a success.
  • Weekend in thermal spa with partner wonderful
  • Therapist tells me she can’t promise our usual appointments any longer and that she would like me to pay for therapy myself as she gets less from insurance than from paying clients (!). According to her she is more flexible with appointments when I’m not a health service patient.

Before questions come up: Yes, my therapist actually said that. I’m aware that many of you will think I devaluated her somewhere in my borderline-head and got that wrong but I inquired a few times if she actually wants me to give up my health-service paid therapy place (that was authorized for another six months) in order to get her to give me appointments that were compatible with my working times. She did. A difficult situation, not to mention the loss of confidence. About the breakdown mentioned above I can say that it showed me just how fragile my balance is if I have one and that I always have to be careful not to trip.

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