September 2014

Part 1 in a series about the time between my diagnosis and the start of this blog. Notes from my “Loose-screw-logbook”, the predecessor of my blog.

  • Panic attacks, urge to cut, emptiness, thoughts of suicide, desparation, rage, fear
  • Advice center, appointment with psychiatrist. Meds: Escitalopram, 5mg/day. I don’t take the sleeping pills and sedatives the doctor offers me. Suspected diagnoses: Depression, Panic disorder, BPD.
  • Holiday. No effect of the meds.
  • Huge fear of work. Feel down especially in the mornings. Effect of meds in the afternoon???
  • Therapy place found! Suspected diagnoses confirmed. Planned time for therapy: 3 years!!! Appointment with another therapist necessary for insurance reasons.
  • Lots of support from my partner.
  • BPD suddenly makes sense. Read much about the disorder and in spite of initial denial it sounds plausible. Have known many symptoms for years/always: fear of abandonment/being crushed, idealisation/devaluation, EMPTINESS, self-harm, frequent change of jobs, sudden ends of realtionships, derealization, not feeling myself, watching/manipulating people, anxiety, functioning, being inflexible when there already was a plan, not copinh with change between being alone/in company, fixation on one person,…

All in all one could say everything went really quickly back then. I realized that in spite of all the years I had spent fighting on my own I finally had to get help. It felt as if I went to the doctor as a “normal” person who sometimes panicked and got back out as a borderline who was offered benzos. I though “No, not me!”. After a few weeks I realized just how well the diagnosis fit about every problem I had ever encountered as if all the pieces of the puzzle had fallen into place. That was the huge realization of that month. The fact that I found a therapy place so quickly was sheer luck if you believe in such a thing. Nevertheless it had probably been about time.

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