Pretending

There are these days when I wake up and feel…alright. No sign of depression, no fear of getting up, no grey fog that tells me everything is futile. The last panic attack might have been a few days ago and the last cut may already be a slowly fading scar.

If days like that continue in such a pleasant, sane manner I sometimes catch myself thinking that all the sick stuff was just a nightmare that is over. So I start pretending that there never was anything wrong. Because the thing with BPD is that it’s hard if not impossible for me to remember what I felt like in the past. When I’m down I can’t see that I used to feel fine and the other way round. So when I have one of these symptom-free days it’s very easy for me to pretend it all never happened.The rage and the dissociation, all the crazy stuff seems so far away that I dare myself by wondering how many days I could act as if I was healthy. Sometimes my crazyness seems so far away that I even start understanding why people who have never suffered from depression can say stupid things like the classic “You just have to pull yourself together.” – On the days I mean it seems completely impossible to me that I could ever have felt that bad. So I understand if people who actually have never felt that way simply cannot imagine what it’s like.

I think it’s beautiful that I can have these days as a kind of break from all the sick stuff that’s usually going on inside my head. And when they’re over and everything’s back to “loose-screw-mode” I’m not as disappointed as one should expect. On the contrary I’m sometimes even relieved that I didn’t just imagine all the pain or make it up or whatever else it is I tell myself when I doubt that I’m “ill enough” to get help. “Forgetting” how bad it can be is a blessing and a curse at the same time: Blessing because it gives me the oppurtunity to enjoy good days, curse because I doubt myself even more when I’m so well that I can’t believe how dark it can get inside me.

It’s a little sad that it feels more “normal” for me to dissociate, self-harm or be scared than to just be okay but that’s the way it is. I’m so used to being a little crazy that symptom-free days are a very special thing for me, I guess I cherish them more than the average sane person next door.

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6 thoughts on “Pretending

  1. I’m now in my second continuous month of not being in my depression. I recognize every word you say here. I, too, sometimes think that I must not really have clinical depression, that it was just a “bad time.”
    So now I live with this perverse fear of when the depression will return. Ain’t no way to live.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m glad you’ve been feeling fine these past few weeks and I really hope that your depression won’t come back. But if it does, at least you know now that it’s possible to get out of it…I guess that’s something…all the best!

      Like

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