There are these days when I wake up and feel…alright. No sign of depression, no fear of getting up, no grey fog that tells me everything is futile. The last panic attack might have been a few days ago and the last cut may already be a slowly fading scar.

If days like that continue in such a pleasant, sane manner I sometimes catch myself thinking that all the sick stuff was just a nightmare that is over. So I start pretending that there never was anything wrong. Because the thing with BPD is that it’s hard if not impossible for me to remember what I felt like in the past. When I’m down I can’t see that I used to feel fine and the other way round. So when I have one of these symptom-free days it’s very easy for me to pretend it all never happened.The rage and the dissociation, all the crazy stuff seems so far away that I dare myself by wondering how many days I could act as if I was healthy. Sometimes my crazyness seems so far away that I even start understanding why people who have never suffered from depression can say stupid things like the classic “You just have to pull yourself together.” – On the days I mean it seems completely impossible to me that I could ever have felt that bad. So I understand if people who actually have never felt that way simply cannot imagine what it’s like.

I think it’s beautiful that I can have these days as a kind of break from all the sick stuff that’s usually going on inside my head. And when they’re over and everything’s back to “loose-screw-mode” I’m not as disappointed as one should expect. On the contrary I’m sometimes even relieved that I didn’t just imagine all the pain or make it up or whatever else it is I tell myself when I doubt that I’m “ill enough” to get help. “Forgetting” how bad it can be is a blessing and a curse at the same time: Blessing because it gives me the oppurtunity to enjoy good days, curse because I doubt myself even more when I’m so well that I can’t believe how dark it can get inside me.

It’s a little sad that it feels more “normal” for me to dissociate, self-harm or be scared than to just be okay but that’s the way it is. I’m so used to being a little crazy that symptom-free days are a very special thing for me, I guess I cherish them more than the average sane person next door.


6 thoughts on “Pretending

  1. I’m now in my second continuous month of not being in my depression. I recognize every word you say here. I, too, sometimes think that I must not really have clinical depression, that it was just a “bad time.”
    So now I live with this perverse fear of when the depression will return. Ain’t no way to live.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m glad you’ve been feeling fine these past few weeks and I really hope that your depression won’t come back. But if it does, at least you know now that it’s possible to get out of it…I guess that’s something…all the best!


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