Saturday I had the meeting with my former supervisor. It was about things he noticed about me, things with which a grown-up should have helped me when I was younger. I find it hard to draw a conclusion now. Partly because I’m still not sure how much he actually noticed and to what point he reacted/should have reacted to them. Partly because the conversation was about some incidents I don’t remember at all (dissociation?). Partly because people tend to drawing the wrong conclusions when they think they know things about others.
I’m not as upset as I was after our first meeting. Whatever he may have seen (or not) doesn’t change anything about my past with other people and my family. With them, a lot is going on at the moment, we speak about past injuries and it feels kind of unreal. I’d never have thought that we could get to the point where we are now. The child inside me longs for everything to be just fine and somehow I’m optimistic that this could actually happen.
And then I think a lot about the possibility of a new therapist I’ll get to know in autumn and if it will work with her. Up to now, we’ve only communicated via email but it already feels good to me. I nearly have to keep myself from planning what I want to talk about with her, it would be a mistake to feel happy about something that might not happen after all at this point.
So I’m lying on the couch with the purring cat and feel like I have to wait for so many things and try to enjoy the calm between the storms as good as I can.