Every now and then I wonder whether it would be good to start seeing a therapist again. With my diagnoses most people would answer this question with a clear “Yes!” But it’s not that easy because:
Therapy would be reasonable. But BPD never completely vanishes and living with it is working quite well at the moment.
Nevertheless some support wouldn’t be a bad thing. But without a therapist I learned to trust more people around me.
In therapy I could process things that are coming up at the moment. But I obviously process them now as well – by writing, reflecting, letting things happen, just what you’re supposed to do in therapy.
My insurance would pay for another therapy. But I would have to go through evaluations, relieve people from their professional secrecy and justify everything yet again.
Therapy would be time for myself. But besides a full-time job it would also be exhausting – sometimes relaxing at home can be just as important.
A good therapist could help me develop. But I could also fall flat on my face again and make just another bad experience.
If I would just learn to say what’s going on inside my head I could finally let go of some things. But if I silently sit on a couch again I have yet another person judge me an think I don’t want to change.
People who know me or is read my blog know how huge my success in therapy was at first…and that the loss of trust in the end would make it hard for me to try again. Some days I would love to have this “safety net”, this one hour per week in which I can let everything that keeps me from sleeping at night out. A neutral person who helps me sort out my thoughts. And still I can’t believe that this person could exist for me. I will always feel uncomfortable around authorities (and that’s what doctors and offices are for me) and I know from bitter experience that therapy doesn’t work when you feel as awkward as if you went out for a drink with all weird dates you’ve ever had at once.
I read how valuable a good relationship with a therapist can be in many blogs. I often would like to have that and I don’t want to be the clichè borderline who is completely “therapy resistent”. Still I don’t have any idea as to how and with whom it could work for me. So I’ll remain a convinced sceptic for the time being.