I’ve been feeling better since yesterday. Getting up was easy, I wasn’t constantly triggered and I had a wonderful evening full of great conversations with two people I hadn’t seen for a long time. Today I feel stable, no strong emotional stress, no urge to cut (sure, the thoughts keep coming but they don’t overwhelm me), no fear. Just an ordinary day. I’m grateful, although I don’t yet fully trust this stability. I hardly ever made it through such strong triggers before without self-harming in the past – but it took a lot of energy, I know that I have to be careful not to burn the candle at both ends. And I have to do something for my body in order to stay “here” and not glide into dissociation or emptiness. I hope I can get rid of all this when I’m going dancing tonight and that I’ll have some peace for a few days 🙂
Thanks to everyone who sent kind words and thoughts and tried to cheer me up!