BPD deluxe

One of these days where I’m actually convinced that I’m going crazy. It’s nearly so absurd that it might as well be funny. I tried to get rid of the urge to cut all weekend long which didn’t really work but at least exhausted me so much that I could sleep deeply.

Today I woke up, went to work. And since then I’m annoyed because I’m confused because I’m sad because I forget things due to anger because of the fear because the fucking panic attack should just hit me because I still want to cut because I want to scream because everyone should leave me alone because it is SO DAMN LOUD INSIDE MY HEAD!!!

My life consists of capital letters, everything’s extreme. Even silence is loud. But, hey, somehow I’m heading towards the point where it all doesn’t matter and I’ll laugh hysterically just to get really, really empty. I’m about to leave, soon I’ll see everything from the outside because my body will protect itself and then a tremendous silence is waiting for me.

16 thoughts on “BPD deluxe

  1. I can so relate, or at least empathise because of how I have felt in the past. Well done for holding off on the cutting. That is NOT easy so WELL DONE! Your writing style is really loosening I’ve noticed-you’re a badass blogger!!! I love reading your stuff, I just wish you felt better. I just wish I could take it all away, instead of dissociation having to take hold. I’ll be here for support anyway as long as it takes for you to feel relief from your angst Xx 💙

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    1. Thank you so much, I really appreciate your support! It’s always incredible for me how much all the kind words in the comments help me, I never expected that blogging could be so awesome.
      And somehow I know that I’m gonna be alright – sooner or later I always have, it’s just a matter of persevering I guess. You write you’ve felt like that in the past – what did help you not to feel like that anymore? Any suggestions?
      And thanks again, I can’t say that often enough…

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      1. Blogging is awesome I totally agree there! We support each other-you’re right too that perseverance is everything. For me I’ve had a spiritual awakening, which I know is pretty unusual and not very typical! but I’ve been remotely healed by a blogger guru. It is an absolute miracle what he’s done, but I know I can’t recommend you to have a spiritual awakening as these things can’t be forced. I had a lot of reiki that helped. Have you tried anything other than the conventional methods? As for conventional stuff, reading, writing, art, music, creative projects etc, building an inspiration wall full of my favourite quotes, filling my head with positive things, and ploughing on, even when I didn’t want to. I hope this helps you 💙💙💙

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      2. That would be one hell of a recommendation 😀
        I’m glad you feel so happy now, that’s a beautiful thing.
        I’ve tried lots of things such as reiki, body talk and so on. It all helps for a while and I can feel that I’m much more stable and self-aware than I used to be. But for me, it can never be enough, I just suck at being content with, or even proud of of what I’ve achieved so far 😀
        Thanks for all these ideas – I just started doing a puzzle which amazingly quietens my head, usually reading is the only thing I can do to escape this triggering world.
        Your inspiration wall sounds very nice – I’ll try to find an empty wall in my flat tonight^^
        Thank you so much…

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      3. My blogging friend, recovery to wellness, has an inspiration journal which she’s showed me on a video of, and it’s full of positivity. Turn your face to the sun and you won’t see the shadows. My email address is bodyelectricweb@yahoo.com. if you want I could send you a video message to cheer you up? Xx

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      1. Yes I’m doing very good at the moment. I found more time to blog again. But there’s still a lot to work on. My relationship failed and my ex already has a new partner, things like that. It makes me feel unsure and a bit sceptical for example. I just have to keep faith in people I guess.

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  2. I’m borderline as well so I can relate. I’m sorry you experienced all that in those moments. Just know that you do come up, from underneath the water, you do get to breathe, you’re not drowning. You’ll see you’re strong enough to swim on your own 🙂 – 💖

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      1. Omg 🙂 thank you okay this is something I wrote when I was in a really positive spiritual mood a while back.

        What I know to be true in my life…

        – [ ] You are the key to your happiness, I know that things effect each person differently, and for so long I’ve let others take control of my happiness and my mental state. I have been in the darkest places. I choose everyday to climb the wall over my darkness and not let anyone else determine the way I live and feel. When I was in the dark I didn’t know there was light, light that I and only I could give myself. I can not solely get light from others because eventually that light WILL go out and my world will become dark again. It starts with loving yourself and making yourself happy and it takes time and no it’s not easy, and some days are really really hard, but since I’ve found happiness within myself, and learned to try and love myself the best that I am capable of right now, my life and quality of life continues to get better. This is the only effective way I have found to lessen my depression and the intensity of my debilitating moods, it truly does work. It starts with you. Your life is in your hands, you are capable of being happy, you are capable of having anything you want, but it starts with you, and not anyone else. That’s my opinion and how I choose to live my life now and what has worked for me.”

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