Addiction

At the moment I’m not writing much, due to fear of saying the same things all over again. Because all my thoughts are about cutting. I just can’t stop them. No matter what I’m thinking about or what I’m doing, it ends with the urge to cut. People ask if I’m fine and I can honestly answer with “Yes!” because I’m not actually bad. But still I think about my personal addictive drug. From the hormonal side of it, the body intern reward system, it’s that and nothing else. I avoid saying that because I don’t want to step on the toes of people who are actually addicted to a substance. But when I talk to addicts I can totally understand what they’re going through. The omnipresence of a desire.

As if my knife was your bottle, your cigarette, your needles.
As if my pain was that feeling you get when you start feeling the effect.
As if my blood was for me what your intoxication is for you.

I had a few wonderful days with people I love but I know that I couldn’t give them what I usually give, just because my thoughts goΒ there all the time. And I can’t even tell them because I feel so stupid – as if I was just looking for excuses for not paying attention. I don’t want to see their fear and incomprehension. And I don’t want sympathy either, after all I’m free to decide. If I had stopped fighting it before the weekend I could have been much more warm-hearted towards the people I love. Was it worth that? Not to cut but be unstable because of it?
My reliable delaying tactic still works now but there is an expiry date. I started with “In two weeks you can.”. Now I’m already sticking to ten-minute-intervals. Much less isn’t possible if I still want to have a clear head for my daily routine. I have dreams of clinics and skills and conversations I don’t have in real life.

I hate it.

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14 thoughts on “Addiction

  1. I know what it’s like to be preoccupied with cutting. It is no different to any other addiction, apart from it being less socially unacceptable-which is unfair. I rarely cut these days but that doesn’t mean the compulsion to do it lessens drastically. Are you going through a particularly emotionally stressful time in your life that is meaning you’re relying on this coping strategy more? Are there difficult things in your subconscious mind festering away that you’re trying to escape from? One idea could be doing a poem or list of why you cut, and what problems you’re trying to ‘cut off from’? I don’t really know of any solutions as such, to stop you cutting, as its very addictive. I’ve fought a difficult battle with it. The only thing that really helped me was getting recovery tattoos where I cut. eg my wrists. I don’t want to spoil my beautiful tattoos, especially as people always look at them and I didn’t want visible scars all around the tattoos. Tatoos are also enjoyable pain. They take a couple of weeks to heal so that buys you some time to kick the habit? πŸ’™ best of luck

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for all these tips and kind words. Thing is, usually I know why the urge is worse – like you said, stressful times etc. But at the moment I just have no idea, that’s really frustrating.
      I also have tattoos so I can totally relate to what you say here. I’m also planning to get a new one but the drafts are not quite what I’d like them to be yet so it will take some more time…
      I’ll try to figure out my invisible trigger, there has to be one apart from “It has been a long time since the last self-harm episode”…
      But your encouragement felt really good – thank you so much for it!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That’s ok. I really hope you’re able to grasp control of it, it’s not easy, but NOT IMPOSSIBLE either. Best of luck *hugs* πŸ’ͺπŸ’ͺπŸ’ͺπŸ’œπŸ˜˜

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Addictions feel so bad, let alone cutting which I never had as an addiction. I don’t know how much one goes through before they cut themselves. It’s certainly so much to bear. Just hope that you know that every step counts, like acknowledging it and writing about it. Those are big steps. Hugs xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi,
      thanks for these kind words, this support means a lot to me!
      I try to see that every step counts but I’m sure most of us know how frustrating relapses can be…but I’ll take it minute by minute and I’m glad to have this blog and the community here, without this to fall back on I wouldn’t be as fine as I still am πŸ™‚

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  3. Hey there I am so excited I found your site, I really found you by error, while I was looking on Google for something else, Anyways I am here now and would just like to say thank you for a incredible post and a all round thrilling blog (I also love the theme/design), I don’t have time to read through it all at the minute but I have bookmarked it and also added your RSS feeds, so when I have time I will be back to read more, Please do keep up the great work.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi there, I’m glad for your “error” as I’m always happy when I read comments like these – thank you so much for your kind words, it’s nice to hear that you enjoy reading and also that you like the design (thanks to wordpress^^). I’ll try to keep it up and wish you a great evening!

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  4. If you feel like writing about cutting, just be doing that, until all of your desires are dripped onto paper. Writing can be therapeutic especially for people who are fighting depression. You are not alone, you have lots of brothers and sisters who through the same deal and they will understand what you are going through and perhaps will offer you a word of encouragement. This is my personal mantra

    Liked by 1 person

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