After I had last week off, I have completely arrived back at work by now. The very few posts bear witness to the fact that I was out and about and enjoyed myself a lot – it was a very nice week.
With the weekend all the familiar “my holiday is about to end”-thoughts came back, for example:
– What if I come back and everything is different?
– What if I forgot everything and can’t do my job anymore?
– What if I made a mistake prior to my holiday and get fired now?
…and so on. If I can trust my therapist, these doubts only come from my low opinion of myself but that doesn’t help me much with such scary thoughts.
Whatever, I came back and apart from slight chaos, everything was just fine. Once again, I’m grateful for this place that makes me feel like I belong somewhere.
As it would be really boring if my head was quiet now, I now have terrible fear of losing my partner, how could I not if he’s going away for a couple of days soon? Everything’s so fine right now that I can’t believe he would leave me but my disorder continually whispers in my ear how he could drop down dead just like that. I’m angry with myself because I can never believe that someone is here and will stay. And the worst thing is that I am quite snippy in order to net let him get too close because my sick brain tells me how that is good preparation for an imminent loss, how it would hurt less is it wasn’t too close and beautiful before. Partner, if you are reading this: I’m truly sorry.
My goodness, so much rubbish of which I know I shouldn’t think it – sometimes I’d like to see my life through glasses that filter all the sick stuff 😀