Every time my emotions throw me around or let me down I’m glad that I can still count on my brains and see what is the most sensible way of dealing with things rationally. Without my brains I wouldn’t be here today. The fact that rationalizing is my favourite coping mechanism and therefore not always helpful doesn’t matter in situations that are only temporary.
It helps me to read books, blogs, texts or other things about BPD as I can understand my behaviour better and cope with situations easier the more I know. Things about me that I used to regard as crazy now seem perfectly understandable because I know now why things happen the way they do. It’s also important for me to be able to tell other people what’s happening and my drama-queenly feelings don’t always help with that. In order to be taken seriously I often need to stress that I’m aware of acting irrationally and that I don’t just do what my emotions tell me to without thinking.
If I can trust my therapist and my marks at school I am rather intelligent (gosh, that sounds so vain). I’m also high-functioning despite my diagnoses – great marks, always successful in jobs, I attain my goals. I wouldn’t have any of that without my brains. Had I always listened to my emotions I wouldn’t be alive today or, if I would, it wouldn’t be an enviable existence. I love my brains.
Sure, I have to learn to listen to my needs, to not ignore my feelings, to let things happen and be more emotional. That’s quite scary, I’m learning in baby-steps. It’s fun though, to not always listen to the rational mind, I can see that more and more.
But it’s good to know that my brains still work and are there when I need them. Even when it’s tough to keep going when getting up is hard, my brains tell me it’s necessary. Although I’ve received more support and compassion since I stopped keeping all my feelings in, I wouldn’t have survived without my brains. And although I often seem cold, cynical and sarcastic – I didn’t live for a long time, I just existed, and without my brains not even that would have been possible.
I love my brains – now I just have to learn to use them moderately, just like my emotions. I guess that’s one of these grey-instead-of-black-and-white-things – my greatest strength of character as we all know 😉