Ill?

I have huge difficulties saying that I’m ill because of my disorders. It’s easy to say that I’m different, weird even, or unwell. But ill is a word I just can’t say. For me, being ill is being in bed with fever and a headcold. If you’re ill you fell unwell all the time. With my mental conditions it’s not like that. There are times I don’t feel ill at all. Whole days where it seems like I’m perfectly fine. Maybe it’s stupid but I just have those brief moments in which I realize that I am actually ill. That what’s going on really counts as sick. Like:

My therapist praising me just because I decided not to work for a month.

Feeling that it’s a success not to cry when the alarm rings in the morning.

Having another success when staying in a mall for half an hour didn’t trigger a panic attack.

Colleagues fussing over me when they ought to be working.

Handing all the knives over when unable to watch out for myself.

Knowing that I don’t think the same as the people around me when there’s a self-harm or suicide scene in a movie.

Watching myself from the outside as I let beloved people feel my contempt when this rage that’s not normal anger comes over me.

Just those little moments where I can clearly see that I’m not just different but not at all whole and healthy. I always tend to think that I don’t have enough reasons to be ill. My therapist always told me to imagine that some child I don’t know tells me the exact same things that happened in my life and then wonder if I would say the same unkind things I tell myself (Spoiler: I wouldn’t). And still…I can’t tell anyone I’m ill. The word is just stuck in my throat. What a weird life.

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6 thoughts on “Ill?

  1. I understand what you mean. I have had the same idea, but my therapist made me understand that my mental condition is just a disease, something which cannot be completely cured, but it can be remedied.

    He doesn’t use words like ‘disorder’, ‘illness’ or ‘weakness’. We always talk about a ‘vulneranility’, like the bpd is a kind of open nerve.

    I also think that mental illness is something of a completely different level than just being ill. In the end it doesn’t matter what you call it 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for the comment, I also like to think that it doesn’t matter what we call it but at the end of the day the “official term” is mental illness…
      But your therapist sounds really great – thanks for sharing these kind words here.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, it’s just what I’ve been told for years and I guess it’s kind of true…although as I can’t say what’s normal I can’t really say what’s different either so nevermind 😀

      Like

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