Still okay :)

My being “normal” starts getting a little spooky by now. Over the last few days there were some things that weren’t exactly small triggers: Somebody at work who was fidgeting with a cutter for minutes (I never likes razor blades, cutters on the other hand…), a colleague who can’t stand her job anymore because she was asked if the scars on her arms were painted there in order to arouse pity (always under the presumption that somebody who works for an NPO would do anything for a donation), the fact that I cut my finger by accident (and really by accident but it’s a cut)…

And still nothing could upset me too much. I, like everyone else, am not in the same mood all day long but the ups and downs are not mood swings, no extremes, not unhealthy. Sometimes, when my head has been too loud for too long I wonder if I feel the same things as everyone else and just overstate them. Times like this one right now show me that there is a healthy state for me as well and that the intense feelings I usually have are just as sick as they feel. It’s interesting how well rested I feel when I don’t have to fight all the time. And how well I can feel what I need right now. It’s hard to believe that it’s like this for other people all of the time – I can enjoy it as pure luxury.

It’s even going far enough for me to look forward to time I spend on my own – I know this kind of joy as I felt it very often when I was younger but in the low I had for the last one and a half years I always just felt fear of being abandoned, being lonely, not existing without someone who can act as a mirror. And now, very cautiously, I start becoming me again, even without company.


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