Fallen angel

I haven’t spoken to you in years. Sometimes I’ve seen you with the people you call friends now. From what I hear, you took a sharp right turn while I leaned into a smooth left curve. I can’t say I understand it but I see that you wanted to belong somewhere as you never have before. The fact that it had to come this far makes me sad and angry. I refuse to believe it had to happen that way.

When we first met I was just a little girl for you, I don’t even know if you particularly liked me. But I always felt something about you, even long before we knew we had something in common.
It was you who first told me what it’s like to see one’s own blood flowing without feeling anything. I couldn’t understand it back then but when I first came to that point I naturally thought about you as well.
We both walk on the borderline but you acted completely different from the way I did:
When I was reasonable you were reckless.
When I was terrified of drugs you threw yourself into their arms.
When I worked hard people called you indolent.
We both refused many helping hands. I finally grabbed one. You slammed every single door shut that was open for you.

They’ve been saying there was no hope for you for years now – they probably never thought you’d make it this far. They scare each other with stories about you and can’t mention you without shaking their heads. I get it. You did some horrible things, potentially unforgivable things even, I don’t know. I have no idea how many chances one person should get. They think I idealize you and that I have too much faith in the good and maybe that’s right as well. But I am convinced that you had your reasons and that means it could have turned out differently…or maybe not.

What I want so say is that I still wish you a helping hand even if I don’t know where it could come from. I wish you didn’t have to hate any more, not people you actually love and not people you don’t even now. And least of all, yourself. I wish you peace and that a place inside you that was broken a long time ago, heals.

I had chances you never got and it could have been the other way round so easily. Who knows where I would be, had I been in your place?
But the way it is we were angels – and you fell while people fell for me.


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